Railbird Rants

2007-01-08T13:33:00.000-08:00

We are here to pay homage to a man that touched us all. Actually, he touched women more but who's counting. We are paying homage to The Rails. A man of no reason, a man of no restraint, a man who wouldn't take "no" for an answer.

And yet, I considered him my mentor, nay, guru............without peer in his knowledge of 50.2% of the human population (that being women).

A tragic death...........one he never could have foreseen. Despite consumption of at least a 5th of Jack Daniel's daily over the last 25 years, he was hale and hearty at his death........fearing no one (except a few "disgruntled" husbands and/or boyfriends). It was erroneously reported in his obit that his death was due to "alcohol abuse".........Far from it. True, he did celebrate the New Year with an extra fifth of Jack, and yes, he did pass out in the stables, but it wasn't the booze that finished him off.....hell no.......it was some coughing, sneezing, mustang who stepped on his head, knocked him unconscious, then fell to sleep on him........he was crushed to death by the only thing (besides women) that he loved........a horse.

A damn shame. But I am stronger for his life.....he was a beacon of truth.....a fountain of wisdom..........a friend for the ages.......and..........my POPS.

It's true...........I am the bastard son of The Rails and a woman I have never met....a woman my father spoke of only in his dreams........I may never find her as her name is not known to me.....but fate may bring us together.....a chance encounter over a bottle of Jack.......the stories told as the hour grows late....perhaps a story she tells.......or I.......which connects us. (Personally, I hope this happens before I bed the woman......that would be a tad embarrassing)

Anyway..........Just call me, Rails Junior. Or you can call me Rails, or Junior, or JR, or RailsJR, or RJ, or RJJr...........just call me (1-900-676-1200-----$4/minute)

I will follow in the footsteps of my Dad.........how can I not. Tho this be the first you've seen or heard of me......it will not be the last...........I will take his place among you (and I know you are THRILLED to hear that)

May my pops lay in peace............it shouldn't be a problem..........he laid a lot in life........so too in death...

I WILL carry his bottle with me always (unless I get drunk and drop it on the sidewalk).......I will carry his Black Book with me (and merge with my own)......I will visit his tracks and make my bets with his guiding hands from above (ok, ok, ...or from below....just trying to be positive)........

He was my Rock..........He was never there for me..........but, hell....he would have horned in on MY women anyway so who needs that shit.....

So....to celebrate, let's drink til we're drunk and pass out.....it is the least we can do in his honor.

2006-12-27T03:39:00.000-08:00

Big Red didn't quite make it thru the Christmas Holidays upright. Don't know if it was because she had taken ill due to natural causes or because she was in the company of the Senior Closing Officer too much, she was only able to remain conscious for 2 of the potential 4 days of the weekend. We think the latter is more probable as that sonovabitch can give anyone narcolepsy.

Reports are still rolling in from the Law Enforcement Area. It appears that a pre-xmas bash attended by mostly fat, old, balding ex-cops caused quite a stir in the area. The former "Men in Blue" sank so low that for kicks, they were hanging out at various School Bus Stops harassing elementary school kids. After cuffing a few unruly 5 year olds and threatening to inflict bodily harm on their families, the local gendarmes were called. Despite really wanting to join in the festivities, they thought better and decided to let the kids off with only a warning and were advised that if they told their parents anything of the incident, Santa wouldn't show up at their house. Gives me comfort at night!

Bad news on the MJ front. It appears that what started out as a Food day last week turned into a continuing gluttonous binge. At one point, she lost a pair of hoop earrings in her mashed potatos while shoveling. It appears that she is taking the demise of her beloved Steelers a bit too hard. Her language on the subject has been atrocious. She has put out an emergency plea to all her stouter friends that she is out of control and to please not throw away any articles of clothing from size 16 thru 28 Double Wide. Poor Girl.

Yesterday's column gave a hint as to tomorrow's edition. That is, there will be no edition tomorrow. The editors are feeling a bit peaked due to too much celebration over the weekend and are deciding to close this rag down a few days early.

To wrap things up on important matters, we provide the following:

1. The Rails never woke from a hangover last Monday.....His last mutterings were foretelling......"Rail's end........Rail's end"

2. The Mustang caught a bit of horse fever over the weekend and has been laid low in the barn.

3. Big Red went to Minnesota to try some "ice fishing". She told me that if all the fish to be caught are just in that "little hole" in the ice, she ought to be able to catch something worthwhile.

4. JBJ is planning a blowout at the Beach this weekend.......just keeping in practice. Heard she was a little miffed at her lack of "award" at the ZZ Title Gift Swap.

5. Latin Lady, despite her calm demeanor, was last heard screaming at the top of her lungs as her "cop" wants to move back North and work in the "Claims Department" of a local insurance adjuster. Said he needed something more exciting in his life.

6. MJ was last seen at the Friendly Cow Ice Cream parlor seated behind 3 banana splits and Chocolate Malt.......there seemed to be a sinister glaze in her eye, but it just might have been some pineapple sauce she forgot to wipe off.

7. The Cobra was last seen prowling the dark clubs of the Cape searching for prey.........! A little scary, that one is.

8. Box Momma was actually considering a new addition to her Box......No, NO, not in the family way........just adding a little lanai box to her current dwelling. Might encourage her to get out more.

9. Lola has not been heard from................at all...........she heard about the Rails...........may be the last we see of her............

2006-12-26T05:06:00.000-08:00

The Rails made a personal visit to the ZZ Title Gift Swap. Bleary eyed, disheveled and slurring his words he made quite the impression on the staff. Must be missing Lola a whole bunch.......kept muttering something about "Rails End.......Rails End......" Weird duck that one....He did say that he FINALLY found his brown shoes under the last bed he looked.

Pinellas Park was anxiously awaiting 37 mortgage packages Friday.......thankfully, she had time to share a drink with a few of her co-workers.

MerkdaddySr reported on Big Red's Xmas Eve gig. Anticipating a show of drunkeness and psychotic behavior, he had to settle for a sedate, snobbish affair........not ONE drunk!..(except the Rails). What a let down.

MerkdaddyJr has been ratted out. Reliable reporting by his siblings indicate that the "RING" has been purchased. Typical MdJR, he scored the stone off another babe, and merely had to set the rock in a new ring.........and he bitched about having to spend $33.27 to do that!

LapDance lady was beside herself Friday at the office soiree. (Not a good thing, either, as ONE of her is quite enough)......She was so happy with her gift she slapped a smooch on the Senior Closing Officer loud enough to bust his eardrum.

2006-12-21T04:36:00.000-08:00

Tips for the Holidays:

1. Don't Drive. Given the audience of this rag, drinking is assumed.

2. Have $50,000 set aside for a violation of tip #1.

3. Don't believe the bull that is passed around concerning hangover remedies. We consulted our expert on this problem, The Rails, who offered this bit of wisdom. "The best way to avoid a hangover during the holidays is to NOT quit drinking. Works every time." (Ed. Note: Thanks Rails! By the way, when is your liver transplant scheduled?)

4. If inebriated, DO NOT go near anything resembling a Lamp Shade. The Law of Attraction applies here as due to some strange force, Drunks and Lamp Shades seem to go together like Sex and Horseradish.

5. If 5 people tell you that you are drunk and obnoxious, you probably are. Therefore, when the third person tells you that at a function, taper off a little.

6. Breasts are off limits for men and Butts are off limits for women.........unless a prior, public, soberly stated claim of ownership has been proclaimed on said items.

7. If you are drunk and you want to tell a joke.............DON'T. Remember the Cardinal Rule of Humor: The drunker the Drunk, the laughter heard is because of the Drunk, NOT the Joke.

8. It is not polite to slurp your drink, with a mouth full of food, while attempting to woo some lady............also a sure way to insure woo failure.

9. One sure way to offend the hostess is by proclaiming during your toast to the evening "Nice Boobs, Momma,.......and you throw a great party!". This is a sure way to get 5 people AT ONCE to tell you that you are drunk and obnoxious.

10. Upon waking, and assuming you do, and naturally assuming that you do not remember anything of the previous week.......it is best to just walk around saying "I know what YOU did last nite". Perfect cover. In all probability, the person you are talking to is in the same condition as you so they probably figure that any scandal they have on you is balanced by what you have on them.

11. Stay away from The Rails.

2006-12-21T04:20:00.000-08:00

Missed the deadline for yesterday's edition but you won't hear an apology here. Staff was busy with plans for the holidays........you know the drill: research on headache remedies, morning after pills and their reliability, trying to locate a pair of brown shoes.....that sort of thing.

Did hear of one interesting happening over the weekend. The Rails accompanied Big Red, The Latin Lady and her Cop to a the grand opening of a new Grow House in South Pinellas County. Big Red sported a new cologne for the evening....something called "Basil's Delite". Real "winner" that was. The Cop, familiar with the workings of Narc Squads, and having no respect for the local yokels who comprise the local CCPD, proceeded to strut out of the house and down the street carrying a 5 foot tall specimen. Proclaiming a serious medical condition required his use of the weed, we all accepted his explanation. But when he stopped by the local hardware store and purchased 48 Floodlights and a generator we had our suspicions that his medical condition was, just perhaps, not quite true.

Since the Official Party Season opens tomorrow with the ZZ Title In Office Bash, remember to read tomorrow's column which will instruct all as to how to behave over the next 10 days..........behave as in NOT to get arrested, that is.

Finally, the reticent, but righteous Big Boss has issued an announcement. On Friday, December 29th, Bert's Place is a freebie for office staff, lunch, drinks or BOTH. His prior efforts in this regard were quite disappointing, as the tab only came to $12.33 which included the tip. He hopes for better participation this go-round.

2006-12-18T04:46:00.000-08:00

The Earp Brothers dropped by the party late in the evening...........looking studly in their long coats..............they were either lookin' for the Clayton Gang or The Rails.........who mysteriously had vanished. I think Rails has been messin' where he shouldn't be messin' (didn't Tina Sinatra use that line?)

Rest of the party went about normal considering the numbers of inebriated individuals involved. The sheriff had a posse waiting right out side party limits to snag some of the drunks but the ZZ Title crew, wild but wise, had alternate forms of getaway vehicles. The General pitched a bit of a hissy at having to leave her Arabian at the gig, but calmer heads prevailed. Fortunately for all, no donations were made to the Sheriff's Fund NOR the Legal Defense Association because of the evening's activities.

The common refrain in the office last week, after the party, was "When did THAT happen". It was usually uttered by two sorts of people: The poors souls who can't stay up past 11PM and those, (the majority) who drank so much everyone wished they couldn't stay up past 11PM.

Bottom Line: Damn Fine Party, Big Boss (and his Lady)..........Nothing like being able to drink yourself blind, behave in a manner which would incur the wrath of every fringe group known to man (The Moral Majority, The Christian Right, NOW and GLA). The only group known to support the party in toto was the NRA.........good job VW!!

2006-12-15T04:16:00.000-08:00

Ed. Note: Lost another reader yesterday.......who friggin' cares? Remember, this rag is funded, written and published for the amusement of the editors. Whether anyone reads this drivel is immaterial.

Speaking of attitude, there was plenty at ZZ Title's soiree last weekend. People bustin' the cops' chops............felt like I was back in the 'Hood with Tupac. Only thing missing were do-rags, dope and bling.

As you may recall, only three people were sober at the party, two of the three editors of this rag ( and NO, Rails was certainly NOT sober........he also wasn't invited and how he got in is anybody's guess) and VW's moll.

Which reminds me of one of the more entertaining bits of the nite. Big Red has an attitude, too.............about lights. She likes them..... and MerkdaddySr can't stand this........OFF. The Senior Closing Officer, ever toadish, proceeded to prance around from switch to switch trying to comply with her strident demands..........but was unsuccessful (tough job..........turning off lights!). Taking matters into his own hands, VW whipped out his .45 and proceeded to pop off the Christmas Tree lights one by one.........that boy can flat out shoot.........damn fine show, son.

By far, the most blatant display of gross commercialism was by the Big Boss himself in a futile attempt to defray the cost of the gig. You see, Big Red.......being a little on the OC side.......... noticed that the buttons on the Big Boss's shirt were not in the proper button-holes (Big Boss can't dress himself very well either) so she proceeded to rectify the situation. Interpreting this as a sign that there was acually ONE person in the world who wanted to see his bod, he proceeded to strip to the waist.....popping off five buttons in the process. Not a bad thing, all in all, as two of them popped off the remaining xmas tree lites (VW had run out of slugs) and three landed in the nut bowl which resulted in Monday dental visits for the Princess of Pinellas Park, Boy Toy and ZZ Title's former resident pianist, the Dugmeister. The Big Boss collected a whole THREE dollars towards the party's cost. One each by the Cobra & JBJ (on a dare they said.......highly unlikely........) and the third was tucked by the Big Boss himself just to make himself feel better.

2006-12-14T04:49:00.000-08:00

First things first.......the Ladies of ZZ Title were "draped" last Saturday Nite. Not a two-bagger in the bunch.........nice job ladies........did the office proud. A special nod goes out to the Angels (sorry, ladies, Charlie takes care of his own). As a side note, Rails has been promoting an audition to replace the Angels. This promotion is NOT sanctioned by Charlie and is merely another ploy by the Rails to satisfy his ego.

JBJ was the only attendee sporting an "alternative" outfit. Between the Moose Ears and the Birds she was sporting all night she detracted from her natural loveliness.

Despite the rumor that underwear was nonexistent, there was a confirmed sighting of ONE of the gals sporting, after analysis of the photographic evidence, actual underwear........much to her relief. Said photo, once released from custody, will be posted on Perv.Com. The General is advised to make note of this site so that she may inform her beau of its content. For some reason, he became awfully short during the impromtu Can-Can performed by a multitude of ladies late in the evening. By the way ladies, Mr. Deke can limber up those hamstrings for ya so we can get some height on those kicks. Can't do much about the synchronization due to the fact "rhythm" and "white chicks" don't seem to go together. There definitely was an "Elaine" tendency amongst the participants.

2006-12-13T07:29:00.000-08:00

The Editorial Board (which by the way consists of The RailBird, MerkdaddySR and the Senior Closing Officer) unanimously chose to take the pen away from the Rails as we were all getting tired of incessant narcissism. "Unanimous" is used in the loosest sense as, obviously, the Rails would never give up the spotlight voluntarily. SO...........the MerkdaddySr arranged a fake "tryst" for the Rails, who took the bait like a Great White, and the remaining two board members met in secret and voted "unanimously"

Back to business. ZZ Title held their annual Christmas Party at a location that will soon be closed down due to the unknown behavioral problems from some of their recent guests. That is certainly a pity, as the people who actually remember what happened at the party (three at last count) thought the party quite "festive" as it were.

Notes are still being compiled from the 3 non-tipplers as to what actually occurred and when. The three are also questioning the "tipplers" for their version of events so that as complete a picture as possible can be presented on these pages. Fortunately, Rails was NOT one of the non-tipplers (as if anyone needed to be told THAT) so his views will not appear.

The next edition of this rag will begin the saga......the ramifications of which still continue. One issue will NOT be resolved anytime soon. That being, will The Big Boss ever see the inside of his bedroom again. Not to suggest that he behaved in any way which may have jeopardized his marriage, but it did jeopardize future conjugal relations............without a doubt. Not to bring up the Rails, but he did suggest that we get up an office pool on when such relations might begin again. Problem is, no one has a calendar for the year 2010 yet so the bets cannot be properly place.

See ya tomorrow.

2006-12-11T08:02:00.000-08:00

The reason for the history lesson was because the Latin Lady had invited the Rails over for cocktails with her and her man. As a side note, "the man" usually doesn't bother the Rails. But he does have a few rules...........husband/boyfriend cops (ex or otherwise) and no body builders. The "cops" needs no explanation. They can make your life miserable. The body builders needs a bit of explanation. First off, the body builder can't run for shit and he usually can only focus on something besides his own body for about 30 seconds before he has to admire himself again. What scares the Rails is the 'Roids..........that rage is lethal. Rails has learned these two "avoidance" situations from experience......hell, he can't set foot in 8 states already and he really likes Florida so he's minding his manners, as it were. Anyway, knowing that it was a straight up invitation the Rails was prepared for a nice evening of socializing. Problem was, Rails rang the wrong door bell. Greeted by a comely blond of the proper age........and with the proper attitude.....Rails was a little late to cocktail hour.

Everything worked out OK except the blond was married and he ended up sneaking out the back door. Hated to do it, cause he was a wimp, but better safe than sorry. Never know what an onery husband is capable of.

Once outside, Rails spotted Big Red on someone's dock...........TRYING to fish....so Rails asked her to come to a belated happy hour. She was lookin' pretty fine that night......she wears some hellacious clothes to fish.......had quite a pair of bobbers in her tool kit for sure.

Anyway, once inside and excuses given, Rails spotted a pool table on the premises. Got the itch and when the NYPD asked for a game, Rails knew what to do. Losing on purpose of course......with a measly $5 on the line......Rails was setting the sucker up for a bigger score. Showed him some moves he hadn't seen before but left him cocky for the next match by blowing some pretty easy drops. Won't be no $5 game next time..........

The Latin Lady was in fine form. She had that Latin Blood all boiled up and put on quite a show. Any engaged couples should view a video of the evening to see if they REALLY want to get married. All in good fun...she loves her cop. But I will tell you one thing......seeing a retired homicide detective in drag was a bit unnerving. He said he never worked the Pervert Squad......so Rails had to wonder a little bit. Looked damn fine, too.........which made Rails wonder even more....

2006-12-09T07:39:00.000-08:00

Rails wasn't always a track man. Back in his day, he could shoot a pretty mean game of eight ball......or so he thought. About 24 years ago, Rails ran into this hotshot, snot nosed kid who thought he could bring the Rails down in a $500 straight pool match........best 2 of 3. Rails just smiled and thought........friggin' kid is hustlin' himself.........BIG FUCKING MISTAKE.........Rails got his pool cue put in more places than he had places. By the time it was over, Rails hung up his competition stick for good.....he knows when he's met his match. Thing of it was, Rails ended up working with The Kid for a few years til the Rails wrangled a crooked stock deal and took over the company. Rails now had the wherewithal to stake The Kid to a good run of regional hustling........50/50 of course, with the Rails takin' all the risk........But NO!........damned Kid went up and got married (nice little filly, too) and you KNOW that was the end of that scheme. The Kid (a/k/a The Big Boss - gotcha!!) still came in handy, though. Worked like a dog and the Rails made a few side bet bucks on him when his filly would let him outta the barn. It was good times! And you know how the Rails likes his good times........

2006-12-08T05:02:00.000-08:00

BULLETIN FROM THE RAILS

As you all know, the ZZTitle Decolletage Winner will be announced at the Christmas Party. Although all votes are in and have been tabulated.....with the winner being a unanimous selection........there is still time to influence the judge's selection. Though Price WaterHouse has the envelope, it has NOT yet been sealed. Anyone seeking to curry the favor of any of the Judges (namely, RailBird, MerkDaddySr, and the Senior Male Closing Officer) is encouraged to do so before noon tomorrow.

On a side note, you may notice that I have been consuming copious quantities of alcoholic beverages lately.......I think the Vegas trip alone has triple decimated what is left of my cranial organ. In that regard, the Rails needs some help. If all the ladies in the office would please check under their beds, it would be appreciated. It appears that Rails cannot locate his Brown Shoes. He also has lost his Gold Stud Earring. That item could be any number of places so as you go about your house cleaning chores, please keep an eye out for the Rails' Jewelry......it is an heirloom from his Pops, RailBirdSr.

The Rails

2006-12-06T13:31:00.000-08:00

Landing back in the Gator State sure was a relief. Within 20 seconds of touchdown everybody on the plane started spewing mucus all over creation.......and they were happy about it.....weird folks. Gotta admit, it was pretty dry out west....it felt good to bring up a luggie with some meat on it for a change. Even Big Red got into the act. Hell, people were betting each other on how far they could hock. What a hoot.

Big Red got an idea for a portable mucus maker for travel to the desert........hell, she broke 4 nails diggin' for gold. Beats washing out the ol' bugger hole with good whiskey to wet the nostrils.

Rails dropped off Red and when he got down to the stables where he kinda, sorta, lives......damned if that Mustang wasn't standing there as purty as a picture. Some of the fire had gone outta her cuz of the trip but I reckoned a few feed bags and a rubdown would bring that fire back.......Rails was considering whether to do this or not.....seeing how the damned animal would just kick him upside the head for no reason. But what the Hell, the nag made the Rails some bucks in Vegas.........a;ready spent it all of course.......but it was a hell of a good time........so I reckon she deserves it.

2006-12-06T04:33:00.000-08:00

As time was nearing to head back East, the Rails got in one of his moods. Staying up for 36 hours straight...drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon......tossing his money around......lighting cigars with a Benjamin.......trying to Babe it up but his heart wasn't in it. Damn Lola better show up soon.

Big Red didn't miss a beat. Asleep by 10, up by 8, casino by 8:30, jackpot by 9:30. She couldn't miss. She ended up pretty good in the cash department and when she was ready to go she told the Rails to get her ass on the plane back East right now or she would smack him upside the head with her fishin' pole. It reminded Rails so much of the Mustang kickin' him that Rails couldn't help but laugh and go along.

Trip back went pretty smooth. Saw Dr. Phil & Oprah on the plane. They had some poor thrice married schmuck between them trying to solve all his problems. I guess it was too much for him. He just couldn't take it anymore so he identified the nearest Air Marshall and bitch-slapped him good. Hell, they took that plane down in no time and yanked his sorry ass out. He was grinning from ear to ear......just because he didn't have to listen to anymore psycho-babble crap.

Otherwise, Red & Rails just did their thing. Red making sure she had the boarding passes, the parking ticket, her money.....no problem there but for Christ's sake, she did it every 15 minutes. Rails sorta kept to himself....chucking C-Notes around like nickels........didn't seem like he cared........Lola, I guess.........a damn fine woman.

2006-12-05T11:46:00.000-08:00

The only interruption to the trip was the Rails' distant 5th cousin gettin' hitched outside town in some god forsaken area............hell, the place didn't even have running water.........running mouths ---- god those relatives can talk ----- but no running water.

Got his fill of some pretty good liquor and decent grub. Kinda upset his insides cause the Rails usually only drinks Wild Turkey or Thunderbird which he washes down his burgers with.

Rails wasn't too happy about the so-called "blessed event", either, as he ran into 4 of his 6 ex-wives........not a pretty sight.......especially when they had been drinking......especially when they start bending Big Red's ear.....I paid for THAT wedding in more ways then one.

The Bride was quite the picture of "loveliness" you might say. She was complaining to her mom (Rail's 4th cousin twice removed) about the fact that she looked like a linebacker in her wedding dress. Rails told that was too bad cuz he always knew she wanted to be a free safety......had the skills for it,too........but she didn't have that extra 15 pounds a linebacker needs. Rails encouraged her to just eat a couple more slabs of ribs a day and she'd be up to 285 in no time.

Once the Rails & Red got back to the action on the Strip.......Big Red picked up right where she left off. She musta known the Rails was missin' his Mustang cuz she decked herself out in a big ol' pony tail just to make him feel better. She looked like the finest little roan money could buy. Woulda been alright, too, but everytime she came back from the powder room, the bottom third of the damn thing was all wet! Rails just toweled it off, brushed it out, and Red looked just fine.

Rails was missin' Lola more & more.........damn fine woman, that Lola. Didn't have a clue as to where she'd gone........just a damn fine woman.....

2006-12-04T06:07:00.000-08:00

Once Rails got settled in he hit the bars running, day and nite, constant rant, braggin' about his Mustang. Big Red never did settle.....she just went for the nearest bank of lights. For four days she was mesmerized. Nothing could get through to her. Anything but gambling was Tabu. And win she did.......Rails' luck must've rubbed off. It was a sight to see. One nite.......after pulling the slots for 16 straight hours.......she nodded off, only to hit the "Spin Again" button with her forehead and set the machine going again.....she'd pop up, nod off, hit it again.....pop up, nod off, hit it again.......Had to be there...she enjoyed it and the Rails loved the dedication. She won a potful for the trip. Over 6 times her stash. Now if I could only teach her to fish. She won't listen to a thing when it comes to fishin'.......

Me, left to my lonesome, just wandered around, drinkin' and smoking, wondering where Lola went, no sleep...........chatting up the crowd........a little "boisterous". Hell, only got thrown out of one casino during the stay and for Rails that's not too bad.......he usually gets barred from the town for a month at a time.

Had a great time, though. One time, he encountered a group of ladies heading up in the elevator. Rails was in the Penthouse suite so when they got off on their floor, one comely brunette sighed "that was the best ride I ever had". Damn....never even touched the woman!

Big Red had a blast too, I heard later. She got hooked on the hookah pipe suckin' on some mystery gas........pepped her up for the next round.........I'm telling you, a couple rum and cokes every 3 to 4 hours and that woman is good to go.

2006-12-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

Finally got to Vegas Downs. We had dropped Big Red off at the nearest fishing hole and the last we saw of her she was just sittin' there with her cane pole, bobber and rum and coke. She had baited her hook with some Vienna Sausages so me and Lola figured she'd have somthing to eat when she did the inevitable...........NOT catch fish!

The Mustang was another matter. The Rails had a hunch and entered her right away in the Majestic Classic.......a Thousand Dollar Claiming Race........and damned if she didn't win goin' away. After that, she couldn't be stopped. Won everything in site, including the finale of the racing season.........the Club Flush Cup. The Mustang drew the pole position, which was aces in Rails' mind. He just knew nobody could touch her from that spot. Ever the gambler, Rails wheeled her against the field, took a 1-2 Quinella, a 1-2-3 Trifecta, a 1-2-3-4 straight finish ticket and played a C note on a 1-2-3-4-5 ending. Rails walked away with a cool 20 Large. Only thing was though, the friggin' Mustang never stopped runnin'. Last seen headin' up into the Red Canyon Mountains. Not only that, the Rails couldn't find Lola........mysterious little woman.......just pops in and out, in and out....Damn she's fine!

So.......the Rails headed on back to the fishin' hole, found Big Red in the same spot.....munching on a Vienna Sausage.....helped her pack up her gear.....(no fish of course!)......and they went on into Vegas to spend some of the Rails' score and Big Red had plans for her own stash.

Big Red didn't say too much on the trip in.........but the Rails' noticed she got more and more excited the closer we got to the Strip. Hmmmmmmmmmm.....Rails might have something here........

2006-12-01T04:25:00.000-08:00

The Rails is back! Been bustin' this editor's chops for two days to listen to his tales of the wild west so the Board decided to just let him rant for a little while and maybe he'll shut the hell up.

"Everything was goin' great......Me drivin' the Flat Bed Ford, Lola on my right and Big Red riding shotgun trying to untie the knots in her fishin' line.......the Mustang snortin' and stompin' in the trailer we were pulling......Then.......KAPOW!.....flat tire on the trailer just west of Mobile. Big Red starts whinin'......Lola just sighed and looked at me with those smoke eyes of her, licked her lips..and.....oh....nevermind. Anyway, best we could do was hitch up to a horse train headed west"

So, we teamed up with about 50 other horses and trainers and their gals. Bad thing was, it was a local, with about 6 change of trains to boot. Stopped in every gol' darn two-bit burg all the way out to Nevada. But the Rails noticed something special about the Mustang. On every change of trains, she was rippin' to get off first and get in line for the next train........seemed happy as hell.....bristlin' & snortin', oat bag hangin' round her neck, boarding pass in her teeth....almost just like a colt ready to bust outta the startin' gate in a big stakes race......Hmmmmmm.

Well, Rails only made one mistake on the trip out.........a big friggin' mistake. Seems Rails thought the Mustang's kin were out in Nevada.....turns out they're all down in San Antone.....that's why when we pit stopped there but couldn't get off the train, the Mustang was really upset........didn't settle down 'til Winslow, which was great, cause Lola & I had hooked in Winslow and we sure as hell didn't need any aggravation as we celebrated an unscheduled "reunion" of sorts.

Rest of the trip went pretty well..me and Lola just sipped brews in the Club Car and "smoked" the time away.......damn fine woman, that Lola, and Big Red just worked on her tangled gear.

But the Rails had a plan.................damn good one too, as it turned out.....

2006-11-21T05:26:00.000-08:00

Not having any recent takers for his "Holiday Catering", Rail decided to just do it himself. Wasn't his best performance........probably having something to do with his 3 and 1/2 day bender while he celebrated his birthday (he calls it being "EXPANSIVE".........we call it OBNOXIOUS!).

Anyway the food kinda sucked cuz everybody was on some kind of schedule. Usually the Rails could give a hoot about anybody's agenda but his, but Big Red picked up a pair of coconuts and got the point across.

One thing the Rails got right was the guest list. TWO guys (both married, meaning NO THREAT) and FOUR AVAILABLE WOMEN. Damn that guy is good.

Anyway, the Cobra was put in charge of the leftovers which the Rails brought into the office yesterday. Being the "Food Fanatic" that she is, she forgot to share with anyone. Christ..........7 pounds of Ribs......right down the hatch. Gonna have to get her a Richard Simmons Tape for Christmas.

2006-11-18T06:53:00.000-08:00

Big Red decided to join the Rails when he takes the Mustang out west. Said she heard the fishing was pretty good out there. After busting his gut laughing Rails said "Sure, but I've seen you fish. You suck at it. You couldn't catch a goldfish at a carnival" Heard Big Red just busted him upside the head and turned Rails' cantalope into a bunch of grapes. Sounds like the trip out West is going be a little rough on the Rails. We'll keep you posted.

By the way, we did some research, and Big Red really DOES suck at fishing. She keeps a Catch Log by her desk so we had a chance to take a peek. Here is what kind of fish she considers a "catch" (no kidding.....these were the best in her log)

1. Puffer Fish
2. Catfish
3. Minnows....numerous entries
4. About eight CRAPpies
5. Silverfish (should we tell her that a silverfish is a BUG???)

We could go on and on, but you get the point. Can't stop laughing. She'd be good at putting a chum bucket together though, if you spotted her a C, H, U AND the friggin' M

Rails.......you poor bastard.........hope you know what you're doing! Sorry, still can't stop laughing.......this is gonna be fun.......

2006-11-18T06:29:00.000-08:00

THE RAILS GETS SERIOUS

Face it everyone, last week wasn't real fun. A bad beat in poker. I had a chance to say the following to a few people on Friday but if anyone gets a chance, it would be appreciated if this could get circulated to all.

The Big Boss and his Lady may shoot me, but this has got to be said. The people hardest hit last week were the Big Boss and his Lady. I will relay a conversation I had with them some three months ago which really speaks volumes. I'll put it in quotes.....tho not verbatim........just to clarify that these were (and are) their thoughts, not mine.

"We made a ton of money in 2004 and 2005, and even though we knew in October of 2005 that some drastic changes needed to be made, we decided that it was time to give some of the money back to those who helped the company make it. We did this by hanging on to as many of our friends/co-workers (yes, folks, they really DO consider us ALL their friends) as we possibly could. We just can't put off the changes much longer and it really tears our hearts out to do what needs to be done. We hope everybody understands"

That about sums it up people. For me, let me add my worthless two cents. You will never fucking find any owners, in any industry, in any country, who would do what they did. If you think I'm just polishing their friggin apples, you better think again.

I think our company engine is still leaking a little oil, but the worst is behind us. Now is the time to make the engine purr. Which means doing whatever has to be done.........even if it isn't your job! This point is being particularly addressed to one senior closing officer who is fond of saying "I don't do windows"...........Bull shit. If the friggin windows get dirty, EVERYBODY need s to pitch in and get 'em clean.

So whataya say we just put our petty differences, complaints, cliques, etc. aside for a little while. Come together. Work together. Get it Done. (with a smile)

2006-11-17T04:41:00.000-08:00

RAILS WITHOUT THE RANT

Time for a chat folks. The Rails is celebrating today. Heck, he celebrates every day but this one is just a wee bit special. 56 years ago, at about this time, my momma stopped cursing at my pops.......which she had been doing for about 7 months by my calculations.

So, to celebrate, Rails is going to let you in on a few secrets.

He ain't the caustic, slit-eyed curmudgeon he makes out to be and to prove it he's going to let you know some of his tricks. Chief among them.......and he has made this point before is that we gotta make the most of our NOWS.

Hell, NOWS are all we got. No use in looking forward to future NOWS....that's a waste of time......may not get here, how do you know when it IS here, AND if you are wasting your NOW by thinking about a future NOW it is highly likely that you'll waste a bunch of time when, and if, that NOW comes worrying about some future NOW from then. Case in point: Christmas.......you know damn well we wake up and the first thing we think about is what we got.....we haven't got it yet, so we are wasting time thinking about the future. OK.....so we finally open the present and we begin thinking "ooh....I LIKE it! Wonder how it will go with the shirt I just bought (future think!!) OR "This sucks!*&!" Now I have to battle the return lines at the store tomorrow! (future think).

Give this some thought folks. Seriously. Wake the hell up and say "WOW! This is great and right NOW I am thankful I am here so I can keep on enjoying myself!

Another disclosure. You think the Rails is riding high and cool in the saddle. Well....he tries every moment, but it wasn't always such. The Rails has had a few rocks on his track on occasion. BUT.....he was blessed with a quick resiliency that allowed him to shake off the bad shit pretty quick. Rails remembers one Birthday when he was off by himself. His young colts were away at some of the best boarding barns in the country.....costing him a fortune he didn't have... AND......to his great surprise and sorrow, not one of his colts remembered to phone the Rails. Ouch! Bad time. BUT.......the Rails, within 2 hours of the last opportunity for his Colts to call, got in touch with one of his old stable buddies who gave him this nugget that has worked like a charm on every birthday since (and on other days, in other ways): YOU are responsible for making your Birthday good. Make THAT decision and stick to it and you'll never have a bad birthday again. Best advice ever given the Rails. He took it, ran with it and never looked back. (Rails LOVES birthdays that fall on the weekends. You see, he starts his birthday at end of workday on Birthday Eve and does not finish celebrating until start of work the next business day. Best day to have a birthday, like this one for the Rails, is a Friday. Have Thursday thru Sunday to celebrate. Any you KNOW Rails knows how to do THAT!

Last little item. You've seen the Rails flash his wad of Benjamins around the track on occasion and think he was just born to money.....and didn't know what it was not to have any. Well, BUULLLLLL Shit! 'Bout twelve years ago, Rails, thru some bad decisions and the like, found him self down to his last dollar. Matter of fact, while contemplating this discomforting fact he discovered that if he cashed in every last thing he owned in his name he could probably buy THREE cups of Joe @ the diner. Serious. That is how bad it was. Goddamn Goliath of a problem. So what did the Rails do? Well....again a blessing...The Rails always felt he was good to go as long as he had roof over his head and food on the table (or floor if the table had been repossessed). 'Bout as simple as it gets. Rails still had a problem, though. The track didn't open for four more days so he could grab his last paycheck for shoveling stalls and he had some obligations that needed attention. So what did he do. Went out and slew Goliath. Pitted his best nag on a unsanctioned, unsupervised, off-hours, dark track challenge race against a sleek Arabian about Four Grades up from the Rails' nag. Flat out beat the son of a bitch and was paid off at 250 to one. Not a bad return on his last dollar.

Hell.......that's enough. Just leave you with one thought. DON'T LET THE BASTARDS GET YOU DOWN!

Happy Birthday to ME ---------- THE RAILS

2006-11-16T05:20:00.000-08:00

Rails just found out that Mustang's can't read. Shit, he figured they ALL could. If you remember, Rails was the real-life Horse Whisperer. Every damn horse he ever worked with said they could read. Proof is right in front of everybody...they just can't put two and two together. Get this folks.....horse racing is fixed. Every moron knows that. The problem is no one has ever gotten caught. I mean caught BIG FRIGGIN' TIME. Sure, a little doping has always been detected but not on a scale that can validate the BIG FIX that is always in the works. Well...........it's the Horses, stupid. THEY CAN FRIGGIN READ!!!!!!!!!! That's why the Rails lives the life of the bon vivant. He knows this. The nags read the tout sheets, let Rails in on the fix and presto!...........that 15-1 nag hits the tape first and the Rails walks off with a few more Large. The Horses, of course, could care less about the money. It's just revenge for them. Ever have some guy strap a 40 pound leather bra on ya, jump on top, kick you, whip you and make you run around in circles........WAIT! Don't answer that! But you get the point. The Horses just get their jollies by watching the friggin' losers rip up their tickets and slink home to their hair-curlered, cream-faced little butter cup of venom. NOW you've learned something!

2006-11-16T04:59:00.000-08:00

After getting fed up with The Rails' constant nagging, the editorial board has reluctantly agreed to let his cousin, "Tout Sheet" Tiny, submit a column. We all hope this decision isn't regretted. We just closed our eyes, hit the PRINT button and what follows is, hopefully, a decent piece of writing.

Been hearing a lot about Iraq this, and Iraq that, around the stables and I'm telling you what this country needs is some men or women with a decent pair of cojones. Ain't like the old days. Hell, we had Truman, Eisenhower, Goldwater, Thatcher..........everyone of them could walk the talk. Don't mess with me and start bringing up Roosevelt & Kennedy. You that do need a history lesson real friggin' bad.

Anyway, the closest thing we got to a man's man these days is Tony Blair but the son of a bitch has the misfortune of working for a bunch of tea sniffing, Di crazed Islanders who would all be galley slaves in a U-Boat if it weren't for the good Ol' U. S. of Friggin' A!!!!!!!

Folks, this damn country has the best political system around. I think it was Benjamin Franklin said it best. He was being arrested for Racial Assault...........NO! NO! that was KITE Tying.......damn......almost had an Orwellian Moment there.......! While being accosted by some members of the Fourth Estate immediately after the Ratification of our Constitution, he said very simply "I think we put together the best plan there is.................that is if the friggin' peasants don't screw it up"

I'm here to tell you........the friggin' peasants have screwed it up. Not my problem. Hell, I got me my horses, my chaw and damn fine little mama with a double wide on the side of a crick. Screw it all!!!!!!!!! Now mind you, it ain't like I don't have an opinion about this damn Iraq-Al Queda crap. Just no one wants to hear it. But trust me on this one y'all. There is a storm abrewin'. Go ahead and sit back in your barcolounger with your GD Martinis. There'll be some ragheaded lice infested piece of vermin outside your back door any friggin' day.

2006-11-15T04:52:00.000-08:00

The Boss's Little Woman was in yesterday. What a glow she had on her face! Couldn't get any information out of her. I hate women that don't kiss and tell.

Chucky was seen with a nervous twitch the other day. It seems someone was trying to teach him his ABC's and he kept losing his concentration. Kept banging on the keyboard screaming "More, more, more, more......"

Boat left today with ZZ Title's Numbers Runner. I think she's been saving up some extra enthusiasm for this cruise (or a stash or really good stuff). Saw her walking down the hallway and her feet weren't even touching the ground. Didn't know whether to get down on my knees and pray or ask who her dealer was.

Lap Dance Lady is due back in today. We can hardly wait to hear what she did on her well deserved month long vacation. I can hear it now....."got 1 room cleaned, bought some jumper cables and just kinda laid around........" Damn. Wish I knew how to have that much fun!

2006-11-15T04:41:00.000-08:00

The Rails reports in with a little frustration that his travel plans with the cantankerous Mustang are driving him crazy. He relates:

"Christ Almighty, I've been training horses for years and didn't much care if it was Stallion or Mare, but I never had to travel with one before. Hell, I usually just showed up at the track and did my thing. This friggin' Mare is driving me nuts. First she wanted a new feed bag for the trip, then she needed new horseshoes. Hell, I even had to get the groom to polish her damn hooves. For cripe's sake, the damn horse is gonna be standing in hay that she dirtied herself for 3,000 miles....what the hell does she want her hooves done for. If she gets picky on the polish, or wants some damn design drawn on them, that will be the limit. Oh, and I forgot, BOTTLED WATER!!!! Some Equine Dame this one is. Good thing Big Red is a paper bag, bacardi & tooth brush gal or I'd call this whole damn training trip off"

2006-11-14T10:31:00.000-08:00

After a few weeks trial run, the ZZ Title employees have weighed in with their opinions on the new environs. In no particular order of importance the following thoughts were passed along to this rag:

1. A Senior Closer is forever grateful to The Boss. His new distance to travel to the Lap Dance Lady is ONE-HALF step closer. Gee thanks. And that is only if he remembers to take a left at the second copier.

2. The three nose pickers all reported much less stress in their cubicles.

3. Chucky just kinda hangs around trying to play "Pop-a-Mole" among the cubites

4. Pinellas Park was thrilled once she got the tint on her windows just right.

5. All agreed that The Boss was a poor choice to occupy ANY space in the new area.

6. Maggie Mae is particularly influenced by Item 5 as she can no longer have her 7 course meals throughout the day.

7. MJ hasn't missed a food beat though. She just buys ONE FIVE POUND SANDWICH (on her food days, of course) so The Boss can't complain.

8. Lap Dance Lady is a little frustrated. She isn't used to having the ability to concentrate on only HER business since 1971.

9. The Title Office reports that drinking, ribald humor and drugs have increased since the departure of The Boss. Appears they are all quite happy with the new arrangement.

10. The Merkdaddy enjoys the new intercom system

2006-11-14T04:41:00.000-08:00

Hope you guys didn't miss it again. But...you probably did. Come on! Get your sorry butts out of bed and see the sunrise for a change. Today's would've made Salvador D. proud. Took the Rails about 20 minutes to figure out what was going on.

Speaking with my "wifey" yesterday evening, the subject of various churches came up. May be dating myself, but the Merkdaddy lets on that he has been attending the Flip Wilson founded "Church of Whats Happenin' NOW". Ain't a bad place if you know how to get there.

It was reported by the Management at Bert's that the Bobbsey Twins drank not ONE but TWO guys under the table Sunday nite. The Cobra and JBJ make quite the expensive date apparently. Some, Megadeath lookalike was summarily dismissed from the drinking competition after about 10 shots of Jaegermeister. His younger cohort, fonder of a gentler, kinder drug, merely was along for the experience and withdrew from the competition after about 5 pops & 6 tokes. Tell you one thing, you won't see my wallet on the table when the Twins are out for the kill. I like my women to be of the "two beers and you're mine variety"

No one else reported any shennanigans over the weekend. Everybody must be saving their livers for the ZZ Title Christmas Party........when the booze is free. The current rumor has it that the Rails is coming stag so everyone better hold onto their panty hose.

2006-11-12T08:57:00.000-08:00

The "Nice" Boss is proud to report that all the ladies wore the appropriate accessories, as requested by the Rails, with their denims the other day. Rails ruminated all day over the twitching calf muscles..............(the result of stilettos after 6 to 8 hours)

The reports of a sexual, for profit laison between the Merkdaddy and an undisclosed member of the ZZ Title Staff are patently false. According to Rails, that is. And you know how reliable he is!!!! The Lap Dance Lady knows the truth and if she knows what is good for her (future healthwise, that is) she'll keep the information to herself.

The General was barking orders Friday Night. Not to be deterred, the Rails kept pouring the Good Stuff into her escort and we just ignored her!

Just a reminder ladies. Though the Official Boobage Pageant has been cancelled, the UNOFFICIAL Pageant has NOT. SO............................remember to treat ALL the judges to a good time before the ZZ Title Xmas Party. In case anyone has forgotten, ALL the judges consist of RAILS and his various alter egos.

2006-11-12T08:47:00.000-08:00

The upcoming nuptials of the MerkdaddySr's favorite eldest daughter are being anxiously anticipated. Not only will this be the SECOND wedding of a favorite daughter which the Merkdaddy has NOT had to pay for, it will be sending the appropriate financial message to the two, as yet unwed, favorite daughters. For a small stipend, the Merkdaddy is willing to share his secret with other men facing the potential financial ruin precipitated by a daughter's wedding.

Always prepared, the Rails and his mustang have double booked the barn for their stay in Vegas. The Rails says he f..... ain't going anywhere once he gets his hay layed out just right, so if the mustang wants greener pastures it'll know where to find them.

Rails reports some disturbing activities on the Dearly Beloved First Ex-Wife and his Soon-To-Be Dearly Beloved Second Ex-Wife. Details are sketchy but the Rails keeps shaking his head and keeps a mantra going of "Dr. Phil....Dr. Phil...Dr. Phil...."

JBJ (the YOUNG Bobbsey Twin) gave the Rails a laugh the other day. While conversing with a few of her cohorts she opined that her selection as the winner of the Boobage Pageant was a foregone conclusion. The Rails just chuckled and said "Youth is wasted on the young"

2006-11-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

The Rails would have taken the top prize Saturday Nite, non-sexually speaking, if he hadn't suffered a bad beat by the King of Spades..............as said before, he did alright anyway but damn, #1 sure would have been nice.

Sexually speaking, the Rails went across the bay Sunday morning with a old friend. Ever the accommodator, he dutifully entered all the phone numbers of all the ladies into his cell (for his friend of course!). However, the friend, somewhat fearful of becoming a eunuch should his honey find out, gave the Rails permission to pursue as needed. Not much persuasion needed there..................a damn fine Eastern Beauty gave it up to the Rails. Rails hasn't had the pleasure of sampling Asian delicacies before so he is looking forward to the experience. The friend did mention a mutual acquaintence who he has his eye on but the Rails told him to back the F... off..........at least until the Rails has the dessert first.

Gettin a little hot in here so we better wrap this up before the A/C shuts down.

2006-11-12T08:27:00.000-08:00

Friday proved to be quite the day around the ZZ Title office. Stories flowed about the night-time wanderings of a few of our office ladies. For instance, The Bobbsey Twins let on that they were going to attempt to recreate the experiences of the previous weekend. With Jaegermeister and Pabst Blue Ribbon in hand they were going to hit the beach scene and party like never before. Not only that, their whole weekend was planned down to the last detail (what are YOU going to wear? Should i wear THIS or THESE to go to The Big Still? Does this make me look FAT?). Geez, give me a friggin break. Felt like I was in Junior High School again!!!!

Most of the rest of the crew was into the past as well. Heard they were all going to go see some "cheeky" show that they just saw. Ladies.....get a f...... life will ya!

If anyone rats out the Merkdaddy (a/k/a "nice" boss) over this week's festivities they will experience the Wrath of Khan times ten. Just talk to one of the Merk's kids. The usually soulful eyes becomes asp-like slivers of hate.........the jaws clench............the biceps swell and the temples pulsate with venom. You do not want to go there. Evisceration would be a welcome relief from the 'MERK LOOK"

2006-11-12T08:10:00.000-08:00

SURGEON GENERALS WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!

This column may be hazardous to your mental health. All children and pets should not be exposed to the venom contained herein. If your are pregnant.......sorry.

The RAILS is pissed. What the f... is with it with women!!!!!!!!!! Listen up and hear this shit first hand. The Rails is on the fence, smoking a stogey, stetson tipped back, grin on his face and having the time of his f........ life. Let me tell one and all.................get a f...... life and quit trying to figure out the RAILS!!!!!! It ain't gonna happen. Hell, Rails taught Dr. Phil everything the pompous ass knows.

Case in point. Rails was in the desert Saturday Nite and spotted a luscious, green, well-watered area. Upon entering, he proceeded to have some success at the gaming table. While reentering the libation station, he was pleasantly accosted by an ex-ZZ Title employee who greeted him with the expected enthusiasm. Chatting, dancing and conversation ensued with the EX and her friend....................a semi-retired dish slinger of long repute. Then, out of friggin nowhere, the EX begins to tell the RAILS all about his current situation and his f......... mental state...........................WHERE THE F... DID THAT S... COME FROM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HEAR THIS AND HEAR IT NOW...................If someone wants to comment on the Rails and his current state of affairs (or lack thereof) please have the courtesy to talk to Rails and maybe, JUST F........ MAYBE, you might get the F....... truth for a change instead of spreading around some half-baked, idiotic semblance of an idea about what the Rails is all about.........

Damn. If you ladies don't have enough excitement in your life, the Rails is sorry for your sorry asses. If you want excitement, take the Rails for a spin.........he'll show you a damn good time. But quit the Rail Analysis if you don't know WHAT THE F.... YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!

2006-11-08T05:11:00.000-08:00

JBJ has been sporting quite some finery lately. Apparently she has been shopping at the new Mall in a quaint little boutique called "Barbie's Place". Questioned on when she is going to buckle down and get "serious" about life, she replied "When I grow up!" Hell, can't beat that logic.

ZZ Title's commissar of numbers has an upcoming date with a cruise boat. Ever jealous, Merkdaddy is going to beat her to the punch with an unplanned, unscheduled and as yet unpaid for cruise of his own. Maybe.

Hope everyone paid their $5 to the Merkdaddy for the right to wear jeans today. Some of the players have already been instructed about accessorizing to the Merk's specifications. It is a good cause at Bert's for Christmas so your money doesn't go to waste. Merk does take a "small" cut of the action but that is between Bert's and the Merkdaddy.

2006-11-07T03:51:00.000-08:00

Maggie Mae, a heretofore unknown connoisseur of the NFL, had quite the day of it Monday. Usually reserved in thought, word and deed, she began the day by throwing down a challenge to Elvrya concerning her beloved Steelers (who "suck this year" - Elvyra's quote). Elvyra (a/k/a The Cobra) retorted with a comment so malicious Maggie Mae was seething with rage. But before she could respond, Lap Dance Lady piped up with one of her "did she really say that?" comments and before you could blink an eye, it was ON! Maggie Mae leapt over the cubicle wall and pummeled Lap Dance Lady til she begged for mercy. Best thing I've witnessed in a long time. The Boss was just thrilled that the cubicle damage was minimal but the Cleaning Service said the Hair and Fingernail clean-up was going to run extra.

Sadly, we report on the untimely near demise of the Latin Lady. Taking drugs, as his her custom, she was suddenly struck with an attack of the vapors. Surrounded by her ladies in waiting, she meekly protested the fuss being made over her but a contented smile was noted on her face when the Knights in Lights escorted her to her sanctuary to recover. It was reported that her Beloved came to her rescue, made things all better, and they retreated to their mansion in bliss. AAAWWWWWW!

The Rails decided to take the Mustang out west. Figured the critter missed the environs of The Old West and a return to the family ranch would be a good thing. Rails has to look at some other nags out there anyway. Besides, he needs his Vegas Fix.

2006-11-06T07:02:00.000-08:00

If anyone missed the Sunrise this morning because they were screaming at their kids, pets, husband or all three, you missed quite a show. The Man upstairs sure has a way with pastels!

Big Red was the first to request the services of The Railbird's Holiday Catering. As usual, everything went off as planned. Additionally, Big Red did supply the requisite number of unaccompanied women with the odds 2 to 1 in favor of the men. Good job Big Red! The Rails hopes her remittance for services rendered is promptly tendered. The Rails always hates to make that phone call to his collection agency owned by Vito "Knuckles" Geniveto.

Elvyra "claims" she did not throw anyone into the Dumpster over the weekend. Probably true, as she had pitched way too many innings and needed a little rest. Anyway, she was spotted leaving the beach area at the ungodly hour of 4AM, obviously under the influence of Jaegermeister and in the company of JBJ, and she (Elvyra) did admit to having sex on the beach. A little too much information provided but she's still trying to find her sea legs.

Rails did secure a date for the ZZ Title Holiday party. A comely brunette with questionable morals (hopefully)!!! Rails also reports that he's heading back out to that ranch to get that Mustang tamed if it kills him!

2006-11-05T08:30:00.000-08:00

Stupidly helping out the same friend on his ranch, the Rails got tossed by one his friggin' mustangs early Saturday morning. The same mustang (or mule) who kicked in the head LAST week. Busted a couple of ribs and suffered undetermined vital organ damage. Said he felt like one of those pieces of trash Elvyra keeps tossing in the dumpster every few days. Not to worry, Rails' prognosis is excellent. Rails said, and I quote, "Been around friggin' horses all my life but that mustang gives a hell of a ride. Screw it, I'm goin' to find Lola"

Announcing the establishment of Dr. Phil's new psychiatric service "Tagalong Therapist". In theory it works like this. Say some babe is on the prowl for some serious commitment. The usual scenario is date til she drops from exhaustion and then she settles for the same piece of remote control crazed idiot she dumped in the first place. Dr. Phil thinks he has the answer. He has engaged the services of noted babe-magnet/therapist MerkDaddySr. When the client has made plans with her next target, so to speak, she contacts the MerkDaddy and request his presence on the outing. The Merk's sole duties are in an advisory capacity to the client's date. The date will be wired with video and two-way audio. Sequestered nearby, the MerkDaddy will be able to here and see what is going on just like he was present. This will allow him to "coach" the date to say the "timely" thing, make the "proper" gesture in reacting to his date's body language and conversation. This coaching technique will put the date in a much better position to secure a second date with the client. Hopefully, second and subsequent dates, with the Merk's assistance, will produce the desired result for the Client-----------a polite, rich, interesting companion and future mate. The services will terminate at any nuptials which result from this service, so Dr. Phil hopes the stupid moron learns something from all the MerkDaddy had been teaching him.

2006-11-03T05:55:00.000-08:00

With the demise of the 2006 Boobage Pagaent, Rails has been left with a lot of time on his hands. Not a good thing. He's now come up with the most ridiculous idea yet. Conversing with some ZZ Title customers, who had been following the events of ZZ Title the last few months, they expressed a curiosity about the office, specifically, the employees, more specifically, the employees with Boobage, and inquired about the possibilities of arranging a "viewing" session.

Knowing this would not go over well with The Big Boss, Rails hit upon an idea even The Big Boss would find appealing. It would solve the temporary financial crisis of ZZ Title by a most effective marketing tool. A tool which heretofore had never been utilized in the industry....................The 2007 ZZ Title Boobage Calendar!!!!!!

What a coup! Rails, the photographer of course, gets his thrills. The customer, mostly hairy, slimy creeps get their jollies and the Ladies get 50% of the take. A spin-off of the "oldest profession" to be sure, but be real.........ZZ Title needs some CASH!!! And who gets offended? Not Rails! Not the hairy, slimy creeps! Maybe a few old bitties who've been around real estate too long and few buttoned up "Well! I Never!" types, but that's about it. Guaranteed winner.

Details are still being discussed and will be distributed in this paper once finalized. Rails is certain of ONE thing, though. Personal, private interviews for inclusion in the calendar will be mandatory.

2006-11-02T13:52:00.000-08:00

Rails is pissed. Every single Boobage Pagaent contestant wants their application fee back. Some idiot got to them and told them how they were being used "sexually" for purposes unfit for women. For crying out loud people. Didn't you read the Anthropology Series? Damn. The whole shebang started with "sexual purposes" and I think we've come a long way from "Hey You!". If I find the person responsible for this outrage they will be dismissed without delay. I bet whoever it is stills wears flannel nightgowns and goes to bed in curlers (and wouldn't know boobage if it hit her in the face)

Did you ever have one of those days when everything you said to someone at work just flat ass pissed them off. GOD, I love those days. Nothing worse than a polite crowd of back stabbing peons who can't stand each other acting for 8 hours a day that they do. Friggin' fakers! Can't stand 'em. That's why I like Pinnochio. The wooden little brat that had a nose that grew........you know the story.........Anyway, it'd be great if when someone says "How was your weekend" there hair would fall out when they really wanted to say "Hope your hangover lasts til Thursday" I'm telling you, I'd go buy a wig factory in a second. And it's usually women, too. Real men don't give a rat patootie about crap like that. If some guy is short, bald, blind and has acne on his back, they flat out tell him.

2006-11-02T04:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Gabby phoned in and was bitching about the lack of mail lately, especially from the ZZ Title crew. "Most uncurious bunch of rocks I've ever met" was a direct quote from the mean, spiteful & cantankerous advice editor. We gotta get rid of the column. An embaressment to this paper.

The Rails reported in again. (Chatty little sucker, ain't he - doesn't he have anything better to do?). Says he's thinking of heading out west again in search of Lola. He did send in his Pre-Pagaent analysis of the contestants who are thinking of submitting their applications.

JBJ - As previously stated, a front runner in all past Pagaents. The Rails thinks the rule changes may cramp her style in this Pagaent so he has her posted as coming in a distant 8th.

Elvyra - Spotty showing lately. Has to get with the program to be considered for the top spot. Rails can't figure why she even put in an application. Outfits range from Cotton Field Dowdy to Dumpster Chic. Come on, girl friend. You got the skills. You can apply to the Rails for a refund of your Pagaent deposit up until Dec. 1 if you insist on continuing your latest mode of dress.

Big Red - Looking better and better to the Rails. Great thing about a seasoned pro is they don't need to flaunt it all the time.....just when needed. Timing is everything and she has shown that in recent practice. Definitely a contender for the crown.

Latin Lady - Current Favorite on the odds board. Brings the whole enchilada to the table. As long as she stays clean and sober she should score well. Needs to keep her temper in check during the interview section of the Pagaent as she has been known to strangle a few obnoxious judges in previous events.

The General - Dark horse but the field should be concerned with her entry. Obvious tools but what strikes fear in all the other contestants is her penchant for killing the competition - literally. There will be armed guards at the Pagaent but until then ladies, travel in pairs, stay out of dark alleys and have someone else sample your food.

The Boss's Wife - Talents unknown but if she enters the Pagaent, everyone else will withdraw. That woman has some strange power, I'll tell you.

2006-11-01T12:13:00.000-08:00

Rumor has it that Chucky suffered cardiac arrest when he saw the "Angels" go by on Halloween. It was not so much the outfits, as the Handcuffs sported by the ladies. Obviously, Chucky has some control issues. Anyway, at least we know what to get him for Christmas.

The Boss's beleaguered look on Monday was finally explained. It seems as if his youngest daughter had called and placed an animal abuse charge against him with the ASPCA. Fifteen hundred bucks in fines and a night in jail would make anyone a little grumpy. Not only that, his little woman let him rot in jail instead of posting bond. She said she had to get her sleep.

MerkdaddySr was seen exhibiting a bit of a six-pack recently. If he has too much to drink, just push him off the curb into the street. Usually wakes up in time to go to work. His favorite eldest daughter, aware of his tendencies, has instructed all bartenders at her wedding that the only thing he can drink is 3:2 beer and water. Sounds like fun.

Rails is out of witness protection and is getting really friggin antsy. The Booby Pageant is over a month away so the potential contestants have yet to bestow any unusual favors on him. (He did note, however, that a previously inactive candidate did return to her earlier form. Not sure if she's going to enter the Pageant but everybody wishes you well Big Red). The party circuit is not yet if full swing so his Catering Business sucks wind. He tells me he's about ready to hit the road again.

2006-11-01T05:25:00.000-08:00

Really boring day yesterday: Elvira was dressed like a Ukranian peasant woman; Big Red has long forsaken any decent display of boobage; but BoxMomma did say her interest in the Boobage Pageant has increased. She certainly has the basics down pat.

Some damned fine looking duds were seen about the office yesterday. The Rails, back from his safe house, was squired everywhere by THREE pistol packin' mommas. The Rails loves it when a few dames are around to take a bullet for him.

Hell of a pair (of Ruby Red Slippers, that is) was sported by JBJ and MiniMomma rounded out the costumed contingent with a dead on take on a Flamenco Dancer. Haven't seen one that short before but I'd take her for a spin on the parquet if given the chance.

Unbeknownst to the powers that be, alcohol WAS consumed during working hours (but not AT the office) by the Dark Side. MerkdaddySr says he's never seen anything like the fear on the faces of the imbibers. The Boss must rule with an iron fist. Gotta ask his little lady about that one.

Ever the Floridian, Merkdaddy's eldest favorite daughter couldn't take the blistering cold of Montana winter. Once the temps dipped into the fifties, she was outta there. Last I heard she was working at the Taco Barn outside San Antonio.

2006-10-31T04:08:00.000-08:00

As promised, the Rails emailed in from Lutz his preliminary comments on the forthcoming 2006 Boobage Queen of ZZ Title Pageant. His report follows:

Word has been circulating among the contestants of changes to the pageant this year. Rails is here to tell you what the Word is. In consideration of increasing protests over the sexism which is obviously rampant in the Pageant, the panel of judges has decided that IQ, Sense of Humor, and Personality be given weight in the selection process. By the way, the panel of judges all resigned recently and have appointed the Rails as the Sole Judge of the Pageant. (meaning all favors and bribes should be directed at the Rails who will appreciate them all).
In Light of these changes, Rails viewed the results of the previous ZZ Title Boobage Poll and finds a definite shuffling of the upper deck, so to speak. JBJ, under the new criteria, may be vulnerable to her first post season loss in a decade. This would usher in a new era in Boobage which, in my opinion, is okay as long as the Boobage Factor, long the mainstay of this competition, is given the utmost weight. The new regulations also bring in a few previously unmentioned candidates which may surprise the audience.
The Rails will hold forth on this subject again prior to the pageant, tentatively scheduled for 11PM at the ZZ Title Christmas Party. Gives the ladies one last shot to impress the Rails.

MerkdaddyJR, despite the desperate pleas of MerkdaddySR and all of his Merkettes, is still single. Stubbornest fisherman I know. Wouldn't know a Angel Fish from a Frog. Hope he grows up soon. Time is awastin'

ZZTitle was pretty quiet yesterday except for the screams emanating from the office of the most Senior Closing Officer (or KING, as he prefers to be called). The reason the wails hasn't come to light but we all hope he takes his pills today.

2006-10-30T04:27:00.000-08:00

The RailBird had to go into hiding. He found a "safe house" somewhere on the outskirts of Lutz. He heard a rumor of a rumble between two of his favorite ladies, Big Red & Elvyira. Apparently, there was a heated exchange at the Malibu House of Chili. Rails didn't follow the reason for the argument, which was whether or not the chef put any pineapple juice in the chili. Just to play it safe, Rails is laying low for a little while.

Speaking of Rails, he wants to remind everyone of the upcoming crowning of the Boobage Queen for 2006. According the Rails, there has been a shake-up in the running for the title and you don't want to miss his pre-pageant predictions.

Dear Gabby:

Where do all of these busy ZZ Title employees find the time to ask you of their questions???? And what's up with these questions being censored. You people need to relax a little bit more and go with the flow. Working at a title company does not give you too many moments of laughing and just plain forgetting how much you hate work. So take a chill pill. Sit back. Read Dear Gabby's advice and whatever gossip appears in the letter --- Have a nice day!

Unsigned

Dear Unsigned

I THINK I know what you were trying to say and thanks for the support. He/She's got it right folks. Don't take life so FRIGGIN' serious. Lighten up and enjoy.

Lap Dance Lady is expected back today. Might be some fireworks. Don't say I didn't warn you!

2006-10-27T04:43:00.000-07:00

Mirthful, soul-eyed, Green Peace member, Maggie Mae, ZZ Title's resident pianist, guitarist & probable flautist, recognized the plight a Senior Closer was experiencing and rushed to his aid with compassion. Realizing the pain he was experiencing being without his Lap Dance Lady for a week, she quickly assumed the role to perfection. Completing work in 30 minutes when it should have taken 5. Loitering outside the closer's office door awaiting the proper summons. (Lap Dance Lady has been known to take her lunch break while waiting out side the office - then leaves an hour early). Maggie's efforts were noted by the elderly closer, who proceeded to cheer up and begin treating Maggie with the same respect and deference he ALWAYS shows the LDL-------impossible demands, snide remarks, and general obnoxious behavorior. Hey, at least he was happy and that is what counts.

Heard this rumor yesterday and thought I'd pass it along. It was a strange morning yesterday, nobody showed up at work on the "important" side of the office, except for one closer. Being somewhat fearful of being left alone, he sought solace with the peons in the Title Plant. Heard they all offered (the women, anyway) to take him home and make him happy. At least that was the rumor.

Rails is back! (uh-oh). Reports that TWO of his favorite ladies have been sporting exceptional finery to the office lately. Heard one of them has a date with an Attorney this weekend. If she keeps dressing in style, he'll be pleading nolo in a heartbeat. Always a fan of the well-heeled woman, Rails just wanted them to know that he's keeping his eye on them. (uh-oh - better call the cops)

2006-10-26T04:43:00.000-07:00

The Railbird just emailed & said he didn't know what the hell happened but he woke up in Brooklyn Wednesday morning. "Damnedest thing. I was down at the track, helping out a friend, trying to lead some old horse to water..........and she musta just kicked the bejeesus out of me. Hadda been a mustang, ain't no mule kicks like that! Next thing I knew I'm in NYC. The friggin' horse, and don't ask me how SHE got there, was just standing there munchin' oats & hay. Good thing, too, cuz she needed a sandwich."

Rumor has it that later in the day, the Rails was off for parts unknown. Hope we hear from him again soon.

Spurning the ZZ Title Male Revue, which just opened last week in Immokalee, a plethora of young ladies decided to view "real thing", or so they thought.........Too Bad Ladies!.....These buns were MADE for watchin' & you missed a hell of a show. As a reminder, the ZZTMR is playing at the fire house annex off 3rd St. It's just down from the Swap & Go and right before you get to the International House of Burritos.

Apparently confusion arose concerning a certain "Cheeky" Lady who resented being referred to as "Gheeky". Oviously, one of two things happened: Typing Spasticity or a Spoonerism. Whatever , "Cheeky", put it to rest. (Hell, ain't you ever heard of "Gherkins"?)

2006-10-21T13:48:00.000-07:00

SPECIAL HOLIDAY ADVERTISING INSERT

THE RAILBIRD'S GOURMET CATERING SERVICE ANNOUNCES ITS' NEW PROMOTION:

GET THRU THE HOLIDAYS WITH RAILS

Tired of spending those lonely, holiday evenings and nights alone? Aching for a good meal, conversation & relaxation? Having and party and want the freedom to enjoy it?!

THE RAILBIRD'S HOLIDAY ADVENTURE

Dates: Now thru November 20th. & then operating continuously from November thru January 1st. Super Bowl Special as well.

It's new, exciting and delicious. Priced right.

Menu Selections:

ENTREES

Fajitas to die for

Marinara Sauce which will embarass your momma

Chili to put hair on your chest (or legs)

Steaks without peer

RAILBIRD (OOPS! TYPO - DON'T KNOW HOW TO ERASE)

Pork Roast & Chops for every taste

APPETIZERS

Crab Stuffed Mushrooms

Mexican Delights

---Cerviche, Guacamole, Mini-Tostadas,

Shrimp Cocktail

The Rails (oops! sorry again)

Escargot

Dip Plates

Salads:

Tomato/artichoke/spinach/feta

Caesar

Spinach/Wild Greens w/Balsamic Raspberry Dressing

Drinks: YOU SUPPLY IT & RAILS WILL DRINK IT

DESSERTS: SORRY, DON'T DO FRIGGIN' DESSERTS

PARTY SIZE: 1 (for the terminally lonely) to 8 (no friggin' more, I got a day job, remember!)

PARTY COST: 1 -- For "Special" People - FREE (Party Limit 2 AND the Rails is one of the TWO)

2 -- For the terminally lonely - FREE - (Rails feels sorry for your sorry ass)

3 -- 2 thru 8 (NO RAILS INCLUDED) - Cost + 25%

4 -- 2 thru 8 (RAILS INCLUDED) - Cost + TIP*

*At the hostess' discretion

OOPS! Did I forget to mention that the party must be hosted by a WOMAN!!!!!!!! This ain't Christopher Lowell talking here! Also required at the festivities (FOR COST ITEM 3) - Women must outnumber the men by ONE. (Just in case Rails needs some "help").

BIG, FRIGGIN' IMPORTANT REMINDER:

THE RAILS DON'T DO NO CLEAN-UP

2006-10-21T07:01:00.000-07:00

The RailBird had quite the night recently. As a lark, he phoned in a request to a high brow escort service and struck gold with a comely brunette named "Nice/Ice Lady". Rails has never resorted to an escort service before but, having been out of town for a while, he had lost his little black book somewhere in a Flat Bed Ford and it was imperative that he have a good looker on his arm for Friday Evening.

Anyway, after a brief stop at the affair, and with a promise to return, Rails took in a Car Show across the Bay. Weirdest thing he'd ever seen. Had all these 'Vettes going round in circles with a damn fine Babe in each one. Reminded that the "Babes" were a little youthful, with one actually being related to him, his excitement dimmed and he headed back to party.

Back at the affair, and nice to be among old friends again, The Rails & Nice/Ice Lady were in on the naming of a soon to be opened culinary establishment as well as creating a few new dance moves for the patrons.

Retiring to a quiet bistro for the rest of the evening, Rails, as is his custom when up past midnite, proceeded to put his escort to sleep with his tales of adventure. Also as is his custom, Rails didn't care, as he delights in entertaining himself if needed.

Reporting the adventure to THE BOSS created a disaster of sorts. Thankfully, Big Red had been released on bail and was there to come to the rescue. THE BOSS, a secret admirer of most all women, began to drool profusely, "a la Chucky". Big Red quickly grabbed her personal stash of Quality Paper Towels and cleaned up the mess (reportedly using only ONE paper towel - must have been VIVA)

2006-10-20T04:47:00.000-07:00

Everyone at ZZ Title was saddened by the events which unfolded over the weekend. The arrest and incarceration of Big Red, the media frenzy and the network of crime which was exposed. We have worked along side this woman for many years and will stand by her until the end (or until she is proven guilty - which 46% of the office thinks she is). The BOSS, among that 46%, has allowed police full access to the computer files at work so any hint of involvement of ZZ Title does not hit the tabloids.

According to LapDance Lady, the lead reporter on this scandal, the situation began to unfold when Big Red was trying to unload a thirty year old 16 foot boat on a Cuban resistance fighter so he could sail to his homeland and return with his wife and children, 36 aunts, uncles, nephews, cousins and 24 chickens.

Lo and Behold, Big Red was being set up. Not a Cuban resistance fighter but an undercover Miami Cop. Tracing the serial numbers, he found the vessel had been stolen, plates changed and was being ready to ship to a drug cartel for illicit purposes. Arrested immediately, the police uncovered more damaging evidence in the garage. Among items catalogued included an unused MERKury outboard (said to be unreliable), a complete set of Butcher Knives and Meat Cutting Devices, a baby BURPing device, and an Electrician's Helmet. Forensics uncovered evidence that a used MURPHy Bed had recently been disposed of, probably to an unsuspecting, desperate woman.

As of now, that is all we know. Everyone of the 54% of the employees at ZZ Title who hope she is innocent wish her well. She has been appointed a Public Defender. Apparently, ZZ Title's PrePaid Legal Insurance denied the claim for her coverage based on stupidity. A Collection taken up for her defense fund netted two dimes, 5 soda pop bottle caps, 3 bobby pins and a Rum and Diet Coke Coupon redeemable at Bert's upon release from jail.

2006-10-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

BLOG TWENTY-SEVEN...BLOG TWENTY-SEVEN...BLOG TWENTY-SEVEN...

A confession is in order. It was reported in yesterday's rag that the column did not run Monday because of a vacation day for the columnist. A bunch of rubbish. A bald faced lie. Time to come clean.

I lied to protect this newspaper. I do not like to offend people of any race, creed, color, religion or sports team affiliation. It is anathema to me. I did not want to offend the religious right, left or middle. I did not want Motzah balls thrown at my house at 3AM in the morning. Yes, there it is, I am Jewish. And Monday was Yom Kippur

It was news to me also. Not Yom Kippur. Me being Jewish. As master of my domain you would think such a thing would have occurred to me sooner. But you know how it is. Your parents never tell you shit and you spend the rest of your life trying to figure out why you are so screwed up. Your parents never tell you shit cuz they KNOW THEY CAUSED ALL YOUR PROBLEMS and didn't want to admit it. Chickens. So, at least there is a large national industry of psychologists, counselors and psychiatristts at our disposal. Or, in less developed countries, voodoo or Santeria.

Anyway, I digress. As I was practicing the science of artful elimination (hint: writing your name in the snow) it became suddenly apparent to me that I had undergone the brutal, painful, soul ripping practice of, how do I put this politely, ah, taking off the Hat.

Eureka! A Gentile no longer. I embraced my faith. Ran as fast as I could to the Temple, donned my Yarmulke and sat in the front row as some goateed old codger read out of a book which looked older than dirt, and sung it, no less, in a voice which would make a deaf man wince.

Anyway, there I was, Blond, Blue Eyed, Tongue Ringed, Tattooed and sporting a damn fine pair of Gucci Loafers with my Levi's (see! Told ya. I LOVE Levi's. Levi's -- Levites? Get it? Destiny) Anyway , decked out in a manner which would make Chris Lowell proud, I smashed champagne glasses, mozeltoffed, whined and kvetched just like I was born to the Tribe.

My editor, ruthless vile twerp of a man, kept demanding my column. I told him this Jew don't work on Yom Kippur (I think Sammy Davis , Jr. always had a dispensation) and he would get a column on Tuesday and the subject was closed. Heard him muttering "Miserable little kite" as I hung up the phone. He musta had a really bad weekend if he was resorting to kite flying out of his office window just to get a little recreation. Gotta remember to speak to his wife. She's gotta give it up a little on the weekends or her man is liable to go a little whacked. You know, let him have his burger, ribs and all the ESPN he can stomach. That's all she has to do. Not like she has to like the guy or anything. Hell, she's getting hers on the side anyway so keep his stupid pea brain happy by giving him what he really wants (to be fed, diapered and left alone)

Anyway. Now you know the truth. Proud to be an American. Proud to be Jewish. To Hell with Hezbollah.

My lord, the RailBird was spotted with a girl in a Flat Bed Ford heading southwest out of Chicago to Winslow, AZ. What does he have on his mind? Got no money, but you gotta admit he's got skilz.

2006-10-19T08:27:00.000-07:00

BLOG TWENTY-SIX...BLOG TWENTY-SIX...BLOG TWENTY-SIX...

The RailBird was spotted hitchhiking on I-84 heading west out of Poughkeepsie. Said something about Horace Greeley. The Exorcism musta took.

DEAR GABBY
Is there anything wrong with one night stands?

---Dear Flat Back
Depends on who you poll. All men polled answered: Hell, NO! All women answered: I would never THINK of such a thing! With those results you gotta wonder if they even happen at all. You must be referring to something else. All I can think of is most bedrooms have TWO nightstands.

DEAR GABBY
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence of my VCR?

---Dear Porn Prone:
First of all, I surmise you are a woman (REAL men do not use the phrase "hot and bothered"). If not, call Christopher Lowell. Anyhow, how big is your friggin' VCR? Mine is only about 18 inches by 12 inches, and trust me, not much sex or violence could take place on that small of a space. The language shouldn't bother you any longer. I consulted with Heloise who advised using a Hydrochloric Acid wash three times a day - should remove the vulgarities within 2 days. As for the nudity, I saw a cute little VCR outfit at Best Buy. It is asexual so you needn't send your VCR to the lab for sexing.

DEAR GABBY
I am a 23 year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It is getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enought to discuss money with him.

Signed: Liberated and on her own

---Dear Free and Easy;
Two ways to solve your financial problems. Get pregnant, sue for child support (make it lump sum and nonrefundable) then have a change of heart and give the kid to him. You can always replace the stud, it's the pills you are worried about. OR, start charging for services, oldest profession in the book. No taxes, work lying down, presents on days other then birthdays and Christmans - you get the idea.

DEAR GABBY
I am a single mom and my 40 year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $100 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy!!!. He is unemployed, has no money for rent, transportation or food. But he seems to be able to come up with this money without any hesitation. He is Crazy!!!

Signed: Crazy and Homeless in Arkansas

---Dear Okie
First all, since your son is 40 and you are from the Ozarks, I got you pegged at about 52 tops. Face it. Your son is a drug dealer. He's not crazy, you are. A mother who worries about her 40 year old son has some serious psych problems. For instance, I'd bet you'd still like to see him wear diapers. No wonder your not married. Do you cut his meat for him, too? You are whacked. Please don't send me any more of your drivel.

DEAR GABBY
There is a guy in the office (let's call him Barry) that every day drones on and on endlessly about himself. Now I understand that this is a deep-seated need for attention but come on - who cares? Due to his droning, all rumors, gossip and innuendoes about him have completely come to a stop. No more fun. What should we do so that we can continue our need to talk about him?

Signed: Your Phantom Fan

---Dear Opera Lover
You are sending some mixed signals. Jealous? YOU have a need to talk about HIM but HE keeps talking about HIMSELF. I think you are jealous that he has robbed you of your greatest pleasures in life: talking, dreaming, fantasizing, and swooning over him. Your jealous of HIM because he doesn't need you to do it for him. He talks, dreams, fantasizes and swoons over himself every day. So my advice is to get over yourself. According to him, there's always room for more accolades.

DEAR GABBY
Is duct tape the only tape to use on your partner or is there a better brand that won't leave such a nasty mark?

---Dear Stuck
I love this question. First off, what are you trying to accomplish with the tape. Shut him up? - then you could give a hoot about the marks. Tie him up? If your doing that so he is easier to stuff in the trunk of your car and take to the dump, again, who cares about the marks. I think your question goes a little deeper than that. I have a inkling this is a pleasure thing. In that regard, duct tape is NOT the binder of choice. I like to use the long nailed thumbtacks to the headboard. Leaves just a little teen mark. If you want your baby spotless, use Elmer Super Glue (clear, not white - white leaves a nasty ring). Just a little dab in the right place and presto, he ain't going nowhere. Don't forget the acetone to unstick him or you won't get that nighty-night hug you always like after a good role.

2006-10-19T08:01:00.000-07:00

BLOG TWENTY-FIVE...BLOG TWENTY-FIVE...BLOG TWENTY-FIVE...

WHATever

Sorry about calling in sick yesterday. It was quite the weekend for this reporter. Friday night was exhausting. You know the drill: Limousine, women, alcohol. Very combustible. This reporter combusted. But not before having a rousing few good hours with TWO of his favorite ladies in the seclusion of the limo.

UPDATE: Over the weekend, the RailBird was seen, in approximately the same area south of Poughkeepsie, head spinning like Linda Blair. Since it would be impossible for him to make his psychiatric exam in Chicago today, a local exorcist has been engaged to practice his voodoo on him

The DEAR GABBY column was evidently received with great applause. However, in reviewing selections for the next column of Dear Gabby, please remember: Just like Jeopardy, the Question MUST be in the form of a Question. (Yes, i wanted to say it that way). Topics do not interest Dear Gabby. Very little interests Dear Gabby to tell you the truth. He is a sour pussed unhappy scrap of pestilence who delights in sarcasm, ridicule and abuse. So..............to keep the little bastard happy, please complete your submissions properly.

Where the hell did I put my paper clip? If it was a lighter or a pen, I would know where to find it.

I did notice a more jovial spirit this morning. In my rounds, damned if I did not even hear one grunt (well, actually, there was a series of grunts coming from someone's office so I didn't see everyone). That one scared me.

Did get a few physical complaints. Chalked that up to the average age of the office approaching 58. All sorts of diseases around this place. Everyone seems to be social however. (the people, not the diseases - sometimes you people are sick)

One particular individual did gruffly demand that I bring her the paper and a cup of coffee. Told her I would as soon as I finished mopping her office. The General demands respect.

One individual announced his retirement from the Dr. Phil Traveling Circus. His retirement plan was brilliant. He just entered all his psychological evaluations into a computer. Then, he installed the same into a slot machine. The idea is that every pull on the handle would generate another evaluation. A pull costs two bits. Ergo, the wacko sicko keeps slamming quarters into the machine until he/she gets an answer he/she likes. But, because they are STUPID and RETARDED, they keep playing the damn machine hoping to hit a "better" answer. The way this guy figured, he'll make a ton of money off the coinage, the nut job may get the right answer (Hell, he said he just made half the stuff up anyway) and everyone is happy. Said it was just like real life practice. You tell some poor slob the answer that will help his mental friggin' condition and the dolt doesn't do it. Then he goes around whining that it's not getting any better.

Somebody left their cojones at Bert's Place last week. No sign of foul play so they must have been laughed off. We did hear rumors that some pompous ass got supremely punked by two job cohorts and a despicable ex-friend. We also heard rumors of a possible Emmy nomination for Best Comedy Special.

I gotta run. If you guys didn't get all this, don't worry, neither did I.

2006-10-19T07:22:00.000-07:00

BLOG TWENTY-FOUR...BLOG TWENTY-FOUR...BLOG TWENTY-FOUR...

The Rail Bird's $37.68 took him to the outskirts of Rochester. He was detained by the Brooklyn NYPD for a long, tortuous interrogation of his intentions in the State of New York. Assured that he had no plans to strangle Hillary, he was dumped on the outskirts of Poughkeepsie, given $10, a bologna sandwich and told to get on his way.

MerkDaddy was in fine form last nite. Entertaining a bevy of ladies at a secret location, he was seen tete a tete with a naturally sculpted woman of indeterminate age named MJ for over 2 hours. Under guard by an envious Big Red, always in the doorway with a cigarette dangling from her lips, the evening was quite the success, for the MerkDaddy anyway. Had a few lovelies on the phone late in the evening but they obviously had dialed the wrong number. One kept asking for the services of her grandpa and the other was heard babbling about Licking Lizards or some such nonsense. The MD took it in stride, wished them well, and requested they call again if the spirit moved them.

On the office front, The BOSS has been seen smiling lately. Not being available for his usual Wednesday nite "Family's at Church and I'm Not" soiree at Bert's Place, the source of his giddiness is indeterminate. His lovely bride, Luella, declined an interview for her possible role in his mirthful look.

We are happy to report that business has finally steadied, smiles are up and attitudes are improving. This reporter thinks the latter two observations are a result of a change in our supply of bottle water. Whatever the reason....keep it up kids. Beats the shit out of unemployment and sourpusses.

Not much gossip came to the fore yesterday. It was rumored that Merk was nearly arrested for breaking and entering. He was seen in the street with VERY expensive hangers muttering "I know she'll think THIS is romantic. His psychiatric evaluation is scheduled for the 3rd of October.

Hope to debut a new entry in our Guest Correspondent column, to wit: The General. Details of her involvement with the ZZ Title Press are being ironed out. She was heard demanding the Editorial Board resign, and appoint her King (yes, king!). This matter is under consideration. Face it, folks, The General gets the job done. Somebody has to clean up the blood when she's done, but she gets the job done.

At the same Editorial Board Meeting, the subject was broached that two individuals in the ZZ Title Family had not been mentioned as of yet. The discussion centered around their possible disenchantment with their environs if not included in the barbs this rag has been known to toss out. It was resolved that their inclusion would occur naturally and in time. They also are being sent a memo detailing the one requirement of inclusion in the column: DON'T BE SO FRIGGIN' NORMAL

Thought for the Day: If you think Brussel Sprouts are bad, try them with ice cream

2006-10-19T05:37:00.000-07:00

BLOG TWENTY-THREE...BLOG TWENTY-THREE...BLOG TWENTY-THREE...

Dear Gabby:
Why are all the good men taken or dead??? I've found the ones that are left to pick from are lacking, in more ways than one! So how does a woman find a man to spend time with that can make you laugh and not just in bed?

Signed: The Good Humor Lady

Dear Baskin Robbins
First of all, laughing in bed is a sure fire way to KILL a man (See "shrinkage" related topics in this months issue of GQ). My suggestion is to wear blinders to bed so you won't laugh at the "package"

Dear Gabby:
My man is on the couch from Friday Night to Monday morning. Please Help!!

Signed: Tired of the Spud

Dear Spud:
You have to look at your Little Tater Salad Boy as a multipurpose appliance. Consider these uses:
1. Ironing Board
2. Pin Cushion
3. Personal Blow-up Doll (without the shame of having to keep the rubber one in the closet)
4. Ring Toss Game

It's all in how you view things. If these details don't thrill you, go get that "B" tatted on after the "S" and the "O" and throw the bum out.

Dear Gabby:

HELP! IT HAS FALLEN AND HE CAN'T GET IT UP!!!!!!

Signed: Limpy Gimpy

---Dear Limp in Love:
Simple. Remember as a child you could never figure out why you or one of your siblings always got a certain toy and it seemed to always be around the house. Your Mom knew why. Go get an Erector Set.

Dear Gabby:

How do you get a "man" to listen with both ears???

Signed: No communication

---Dear ExNextel:
Easy one. Come on, folks, Gabby's getting bored. Here is what you do. When you're man is rummaging thru the Boobage, so to speak, say this very softly, "Honey, could you do something special for me tonight?" Trust me on this girls. Hearing you with whichever ear is not "pillow stuffed", he'll freeze, get wide-eyed and then you got him. He'll do anything. Now, if your talking about both ears at the same time, beats me!

Stumper of the Day: A drink at Bert's for the first person who can answer the following question correctly. Who is the only mother in the office who has TWO of her children working for ZZ Title?

2006-10-19T04:41:00.000-07:00

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EDITOR'S NOTE: This material may not be suitable for all audiences. Parental discretion is AGAIN advised. These are actual questions submitted by actual people. No kidding.

Dear Gabby:
I have been divorced for many weeks now. Have met a wonderful man that I have been dating for one year. My last 5 husbands were nothing but cheats!!!!! Couldn't trust them. Are all men cheaters??? Do I trust this new man in my life??? Should I tell him my new baby is his???

Signed
Lost the way

--- Dear Kentucky

Honey Pie, you are a sweetie. And congratulations on the good news. Will this be your ninth or tenth child? Anyway, enough small talk. Simple answer. Be direct. Never Fails. Just call up your cousin and tell him the news. I am sure he will be as thrilled as you.

Dear Gabby

I am a shy person who is new to the area and was wanting your input on how to meet people. I have lived in the same small town my whole life. You know the kind of place where everyone knows everything you do. Well, now I am in the big City and I have to tell you it is VERY SCARY. I got up the guts to try one of the night time hot spots, a place called Bert's, and I struck up a conversation with a really nice man and even kinda cute. His name was something like Leave or Steve or something like that. Well, all was going good until it game time to pay the bill and he stuck me with the tab. I was shocked and a little set back. Is this the way things are here in the City?

signed: Country Bumpkin

--- Dear Country

What's the deal today? Every hick in the U.S. writing to Dear Gabby. I can only take so much twang thinking. Anyway dearie, you just have to chalk this experience up to bad luck. You just happened to pick the only Sexual Predator in the city to have a nice chat with. Everybody knows the guy. Not only is he a pervert, but he is CHEAP
But, you have no more worries as he was run out of town a few weeks back. He was in Chicago for a brief time and was last seen about 25 miles south of Poughkeepsie, on foot, headed for Brooklyn.

Dear Gabby:
I need your help. See, I have this friend (let's call her Sally) who is a lot of fun to do things with and is a real caring person.......BUT she always seems tanked. Do I confront her about this or do I just go with the flow?

Signed: Life AA Member

--- Dear Sober
Sorry to hear about YOUR lifestyle choice, but, hey! I can help. I KNOW this girl. Met her on the beach one night howling at the moon. You're right - she is a Blast....AND a drunk. Had that problem with another lady once. I got her off the Tequila and she was fine. Try that tactic. Maybe you won't have to carry that barf bag with you all the time anymore. Good Luck!

Dear Gabby:
Can you explain why all men experience "shrinkage"??? Is it just a phenomena??? OR does it just come with the "Package?"

Signed: The Glass is Half Full

--- Dear UPS Lady
As a man, I can answer this question truthfully, honestly, and without knowledge of THAT topic at all. In speaking with other men, it seems the problem might just be with your own PACKAGE. Think about it this way. You say your Glass is HALF full, right? Yet I get the impression that in your youth you did not experience this shrinkage problem. Ever consider that just maybe your friggin' GLASS got bigger with age?

2006-10-18T13:24:00.000-07:00

BLOG TWENTY-ONE...BLOG TWENTY-ONE...BLOG TWENTY-ONE...BLOG TWENTY-ONE

Dear Gabby

I'm in trouble. Where are all the good men? Please help! I'm getting desperate

signed
Lonely Tonight

DEAR LONELY TONIGHT

It is obvious from your letter that you are about 5 foot 6 inches tall, weigh 136 lbs, triim, well shaven, Black/Blonde hair with only slight body deviations from factory specs. Sorry to hear of your plight. Well, I have good news and bad news. First, the bad news. All the good men are taken. So you are TOO FRIGGIN' LATE. Shoulda thought about that before you pitched your deadbeat husband out on his ass. The GOOD news: Since you took your dead beat husband to cleaners in the divorce, you can BUY A MAN. Look on Ebay.

Dear Gabby:

I just read your response to "Lonely Tonight" and I think it was cruel. First of all, Lonely doesn't have all that many problems so why dump on her so bad. Look at me. I'm 4 foot 2 inches tall with my platforms on. Haven't danced cheek to cheek since first grade. And LONELY TONIGHT thinks SHE has problems. Any suggestions for my plight?

signed
Here's Looking Up At You Kid

Dear Humphrey
I could be kind and refer to you as Height Challenged, Well Grounded, or the "The Only Dust Bunny Inspector Who Can Do Her Job and Remain Standing", but I won't. You, dear lady, are too FRIGGIN' SHORT. But, here's what you do. If you can manage to avoid the pervert police, I suggest you start attending the Middle School Sock Hops in your area. Bound to find something your size.

Dear Gabby
Big Trouble. Put an Ad in the paper recently concerning my need for a bigger box. What a mistake. I have boxes coming out of my ears. What is with people these days. I only wanted 1 bigger box. Some butthead sent me a box you could put an entire Emiral's Viking Kitchen in. Not only that, the son of a bitch had been living in it with his wife, 4 kids and a Doberman with a sphincter problem. Tell your readers to think just a little before sending crap to an honest want ad.

Signed
Box Momma

Dear Box Momma
Too bad lady. Remember, ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE. Did you think to specify the size box you needed. Do you think the public can read your pea-sized mind. For goodness sakes! You only think of yourself. What about the Viking Box Guy? Did you ever consider where he is now? Of course not! Well, yours truly tracked his sorry ass down. Where is he right now? Huh? Really wanta know? Yeah? Well, he told his story to Extra Edition and stuff has really been going his way. A vet took car of his dog. His 4 kids were donated all expense paid educations at Yale. His wife, once she got washed up a little, proved to be a real hottie and landed the lead role with Al Pacino in his new film. The guy? Hell, he's on cloud nine. Just sits back in his barcolounger, stogie in mouth, sipping some serious whiskey and wearing a grin from ear to earl Now THAT'S thinking outside the box

NOTE: Got an email for the Rail Bird last nite. Says he went to the bus station, slipped his entire life savings ($37.58) to the ticket guy and got a ticket to ride. Didn't supply any further details

2006-10-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

BLOG TWENTY...BLOG TWENTY...BLOG TWENTY...BLOG TWENTY

This column might be a throwaway cuz I don't even have any kinda theme yet. Or, it may turn out to be worse than a throwaway. The would make it Fly Paper. You WANT to throw it away but the crap keeps sticking to your hands.

Helpful Hint: If you think you are having a bad day, THINK AGAIN YOU MORON

Finally figured out why the chicken crossed the road

Also finally figured out which came first, the chicken or the egg. Answer too obtuse for this crowd so we'll just keep that one in the hopper.

The Rail Bird was accused of a maddening rage during the morning hours of 9/25. Y'all need to get your antennas fixed. Trust me. You've never seen the Rail Bird in a rage. Very few live to tell about it. One of these days, the Rail Bird won't live to tell about it either, but pills have that under control for now.

An office poll of "how was your weekend" elicited 6 grunts, 5 not too bad, 3 sucked, how was yours, and 7 okays. There was only one non-response as the individual, participating in one of her food days, was uncommunicative. On second thought, she did say she had a good weekend because her girlfriend got sick. I guess that means if someone died on her she would be ecstatic. She'll have to go a long way to find THAT in the ZZ Title's Benefit Package.

Rail Bird Merk pleads for the following: When he is situated comfortably in his chair, feet propped up and a cigarette dangling from his mouth, don't start talking make-up and woman things. It gives him indigestion.

A serious violation of journalistic ethics took place soon after the distribution of yesterday's column. One of our faithful readers, taking umbrage at a gesture of good natured ribbing, proceeded to tell "Her side of the Story" via our instant message system. What a wuss. I have a few things to say about that.

1. You want to write to my audience, it comes thru me. Your conduct violated the canons of the Fourth Estate

2. You do that again and you'll wish you were 4'8" tall cuz you'll be lookin' UP at your shadow.

3. Got THAT Minimomma!!

ANNOUNCEMENT

TO: The single ladies of the office and all the single friends of the single ladies in the office.

The Rail Bird has relocated his office to our Chicago Headquarteres. His stay there is indeterminate at this time. He may soon be going to Omaha, San Francisco, Vegas, whereever. Just wants all the ladies to know that when he leaves Chicago he WILL be in the market for a suitable traveling companion. In a short note to office staff, he wrote: "Can promise the world and will probably deliver. Leave the Baggage at home. Will provide All.

Strange duck, eh ladies?

Okay, everybody calm down. Catch your breath. Take a quick walk. Get out the fan, Scarlett.

Yesterday, the BOSS withnessed a display of salesmanship rarely seen outside of a PT Barnum sideshow. Told not to be late.......he was. But he still saw some skills in action. The BOSS kept trying to talk friggin' business and, like I've told him a gazillion time before, you don't sell by talking business. You sell by asking about your customer. Is he kinky? Does he have a wife and, if so, how many girlfriends does he have on the side. Does he have kids, and, if so, does he hit them upside the head once a week just to let them know who is the boss, does he kick his dog, what rag ass football team does he root for........In other words, the important stuff!

Gotta admit, this column started our as a pure drudge, but I just started typing and look what kinda wacko stuff comes out.

2006-10-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

BLOG NINETEEN....BLOG NINETEEN...BLOG NINETEEN...BLOG NINETEEN...

MORE MUSINGS

Plagiarism is the theme of the day. Why create something great when somebody else already has. I certainly am not adverse to petty theft (grand larceny on occasion, too)

WEEKEND UPDATE

Gambler's Anonymous was nowhere in sight as the Texas Holdem action took place at Big Red's place. The highlight of the nite was the growing boobage situation concerning Big Red's daughter in law. "Very Interesting, but cute" as Artie Johnson would say. I suspect Box Momma had some hand in the situation but the audio/video is under review so I will hold my thoughts until the facts are in.

Rail Bird Merk put on quite a show. Set the record for going out. Previously held by Sad Sack Sam, whose record of busting out of a $2 limit game came at the 11 minute mark of a tourney in El Paso back in 1962, Merk managed to set (or lower) the bar to an almost impossible 4 minutes, 27 seconds and obliterate the record. Asked for comments after setting the record, Merk was heard to mutter something about going and doing something to myself. I chalked it up to the intensity of the moment.

Prior to the Tourney, Merk was also stood up by MiniMomma who cavalierly (she drives a Ford) drove right past the Merk's abode despite promising on a stack of bibles that she would give him the ride of his life to the party. Just because Rail Bird peed in her car is no reason to seek revenge.

And the revenge was cruel. Having to navigate to the hinterlands of Pasco County, with neither compass nor provisions, the Rail Bird was destined, due to his previous 6 DUIs to remain sober for the evening. The RailBird, sober, is a sad sight. Especially when the alcohol was flowing so freely at the game.

HERE'S PLAGIARISM!!!

A bird, a squirrel and a gopher got together and decided to form a politically correct school system for the creatures of the Forest. After their meeting, they agreed that Flying, Running Straight Up Trees and Digging Holes would be the focus of the curriculum.

At the end of the first year, they hailed their success.

The Bird got an A++ in Flying during the first half of the year but his efforts at Digging resulted in a broken beak and broken feathers. His final marks at the end of the year - ALL C's

The Squirrel got an A++ in Running Straight Up Trees during the first half of the year but his flying efforts were abysmal. Broken Bones and a Brain Injurt resulted in Final marks at the end of the year - ALL C's

The Gopher got an A++ in Digging but his attempts at Running Straight Up Trees caused a broken neck so that by the end of the year his final marks were the exact same as his friends.

Still, as previously pointed out, they hailed their success. Everyone got the same marks. No one suffered any blows to their Self Esteem. Their Theories were proven and their methods adopted universally.

THINK ABOUT IT

2006-10-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

BLOG EIGHTEEN...BLOG EIGHTEEN...BLOG EIGHTEEN...BLOG EIGHTEEN

As all are aware, this reporter refuses to be censored. The Sanctity of the Fourth Estate is one of the few things still held sacrad in my life and I refuse to cowed by threats, punishments, fines or incarceration.

This statement stems from a recent conversation, or should I say tongue-lashing, with/by THE BOSS. In no uncertain terms, he demanded that I submit by column for review to him each evening for his review and approval. I was stunned. I was flummoxed. I was aghast at the affront to my integrity, my profession, to the core of my essence.

He had no right! He had no reason to fear me.

However, he did have a summons to appear before the court in a Class Action Suit filed by HIM, By HIM! mind you, on behalf of all the employees of ZZ Title to cease and desist in the continual, subtle (yet effective) sexual harassment which was being spewed forth by my column, which, in the Suit, he calls "a clarion call to smut, degradation & dehumanization"

Well, I NEVER!

But, as the Italians are wont to say, I said "fuggedaboudit", the sanctity of the Fourth Estate, I mean. What has the Fourth Estate ever done for me? Buy me two beers at Bert's. Haven't seen THAT happen yet. Get me an item off the Dollar Menu at Wendy's? Not that I've experienced.

So............I agreed to submit the column for his review

The following, the first to be submitted under the new controls, is for your pleasure and enjoyment.

PEACE

RAIL BIRD

Paper Towels ---- The Final Chapter

As you now know, this is the first column to be written under the sword of censorship. To that end, read on.

I'll get to the point. The Paper Towel trip was a success. The current flavor of Paper Towel was proven by all measures to be inferior to any absorbent material known to man. This includes, via strict lab testing, Glass, Diamonds & Oil.

So, the details of the procedures, the gathering of the materials, the analysis, pale in comparison to what actually HAPPENED on the trip.

Be forewarned. The following material may be viewed by some as raunchy, disgusting, without taste and puerile. This sentiment was expressed perfectlyl by the banner headlines screaming from the London Tabloids (which, due to the time difference, were privy to this column some six hours ago, uncensored). The headlines read: RAILBIRD BUSTED....SMUT TOO MUCH FOR THE BOSS...MIAMI IN SHOCK...PERFUMO REVISITED...RAILBIRD MERK SAYS: LARRY FLYNT IS MY HERO!.....TAMMY FAYE FAINTS!

NOTE TO READER: At no time were Big Red, Box Momma or the Rail Bird separated during their XXXXXXXXXXX in Miami. Never!

First thing upon entering the room, a finely decorated, xxxxxxxx room, Big Red xxxxxxx off her xxxxxx "XXXXXX me" she XXXXXX of the others, "Let's get XXXXXXXXXXXX"

Soon, the three were xxxxxxx with xxxxxxxxx. Abandoning their xxxxxxxxxxxxx, caution to the wind, a 24 hour xxxxxxxxx of xxxxxxxxxxxx was underway.

I will leave the rest to your imaginations. Whatever you imagine, rest assured, it took place. There were no XXXXXXXXXXXXXX. There were no XXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Pure, xxadulterated xxxxxxxx. The smells of XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX the room. There was no hunger, XXXXXXXXXXXX for one XXXXXXXXXXX. There was no thirst, XXXXXXXXX for the fluid xxxxxxxxxxx. Let your minds wander, fellow employess

2006-10-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

BLOG SEVENTEEN...BLOG SEVENTEEN....BLOG SEVENTEEN...BLOG SEVENTEEN

DIGRESSION

The current series on Paper Towels has been suspended. This suspension has been voluntarily. There has been no threat of repercussions from the Boss' Main Squeeze (who chose "The Woody"), there has been no writer's block as a plethora of ideas have yet to be dealt with in the Paper Towel series. No, the suspension is due to the fact that the audience of these ramblings has been woefully lacking and shortsighted in their expectations.

First of all, this is NOT a friggin' humor only newspaper. Sometimes, tough, sensitive topics have to be discussed. As a matter of fact, speaking of sensitive, Toilet Paper is on the agenda as well! That subject is one to be treated gently, not roughly.

Secondly, if this WAS a friggin' humor only paper, do you think the author would be wasting his time doling out his best material for some rinky-dink title company employee newsletter. HELL NO! This author is going big time. I see Jay or Conan in the future. Hollywood. The Big Apple. This God forsaken hole which I find myself in at the present is only getting my raw material. Some of it works, some of it doesn't. Don't give a rats' ass if you laugh or not. This isn't about YOU ya know!

But, I digress.

You guys want humor! Look in the mirror (oops! I digress again)

Seriously, folks, I am appealing to you for inspiration, for ideas, for material, for jokes. I have a list of topics below which are to be treated in the near future. I ask for your comments. I ask for additional recommendations. This is a democracy we are in, you know. Even if it is MY FRIGGIN' DEMOCRACY.

So, here goes:

1. Analysis of Leg Hair Length vis a vis skirt/dress/pants being worn to work. Might have to get a little "hands on" with the topic. It would be in the line of duty, of course.

2. Shrinkage. Does smoking really stunt your growth. I figure that since 99.99% of title company employess smoke and I don't see anybody over 5'7" tall in this office so there must be a connection.

3. Sex in the workplace. Easy Column. You are either FOR it or AGAINST it. If we do get any other answers to that question, I think we have a problem.

4. Male Dress Code: Should women have a say. Myriad of possibilities here. Boxers, Briefs, None of the Above. Socks/No Socks. Erkle Pants - too much ankle and "just how much is too much?". Is there a Male Equivalent to Boobage? Basically, what would make you ladies happy. You know my motto: "A Happy Woman Is One Less Aggravation I Have To Deal With In Life"

Anyway, you get the drift. Let me know your ideas. Begging for input. Personal and private input can be discussed by appointment. More personal and more private input can be discussed at a location of the Inputter's choosing.

2006-10-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

BLOG SIXTEEN....BLOG SIXTEEN...BLOG SIXTEEN...BLOG SIXTEEN

Quartermaster Report - Continued

Having completed the cost analysys of our current Paper Towels, it was imperative to go out into the marketplace to see what the world has to offer in regards to alternative Paper Towels.

Big Red, having recruited her unbiased research assistants, mapped out a plan to secure the commodities. To eliminate Regional Bias in the report, it was necessary to go outside the local area to gather a sampling of Paper Towels in use. Though it proved to be impossible to perform a cost analysis on those Paper Towels during the trip, it did provide a broad cross section of usage, and the venues which stocked them.

Where to go? Knowing that her carefully selected assistants LOVED to gamble, and Big Red was not adverse to the activity as well, she carefully planned an expedition to the Hard Rock Casino Hotel in Miami. Big Red planned her course of action perfectly. Realizing that the trip would require about 3.65 hours on the West Side of 1-75 on the trip to Miami, and a similar time on the East side of I-75 pm the return, Big Red was confident that this would provide, along with the hotel stay itself, plenty of opportunities to sample available Paper Towel Populations which should evidence some species not indigenous to the TPA/ST Metropolitan Area.

Big Red calculated thusly: On each leg of the trip, she figured that due to the age of her traveling compnanions as well as her own tendencies, that the group would have approxiimately 16.334 opportunities to secure alternatives to our current used paper towel per leg of the trip. An analysis of her thinking follows:

1) Big Red - knowing her temperment and capacity, and acknowledging a slight drinking problem, she estimated that as a woman (verifiably true), she would HAVE to stop at least twice for relief and once, possibly twice, for shopping.

2) Box Momma - Big Red knew that Box Momma was not the best candidate to accompany her on the fact finding mission, but she would provide vital services nonetheless: Driving & Shopping Companion

3) Rail Bird Merk - a risky choice to be sure, but Big Red was betting on Merk's tendency to drink himself to oblivion which would have the desired effects for the collection of non-indigenous paper towel samples, i.e. pit stops for humane purposes, which Big Red, as the ranking office, would dictate NOT to coincide with her own needs (relief & shopping). As a bonus, the copious amounts of alcohol, which Big Red would make sure was consumed by the Rail Bird, would render him incapable of voicing any strong objections to the requisite stops for SHOPPING.

AT THIS TIME it should be noted that the trip down to Miami required 24.4 stops. THREE shopping and 21.5 relief stops. The fraction resulted from a STOP THE CAR NOW episode required by the Rail Bird. To the amazement of all participants on this fact finding mission, the trip was still made in the estimated time, a tribute to the driving skills of Box Momma, a/k/a The Terminator.

TOMORROW: Further details of the mission, the evils of gambling, and whatever else comes to mind

2006-10-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

BLOG FIFTEEN...BLOG FIFTEEN...BLOG FIFTEEN...BLOG FIFTEEN...BLOG FIFTEEN

ZZ Title Quartermaster Report

In an ongoing effort to improve morale, and to stop the disgusting habit of wiping hands/faces on blouses/skirts/pants/shirts/dresses after visiting the Loo, BIG RED randomly selected 2 employees to accompany her this past weekend on a mission of desperation.

Big Red's mission was for the purposes of conducting a cost/benefit analysis of available paper towels and perhaps to quell the controversy which has raged, lo, these many months.

The Analysis was simple and the testing procedure is as follows: (please refer to Notes available @ the Quartermaster's office for testing controls, field notes & the full range of materials used in this report)

1 - Big Red spit on her desk

2 - She then, compulsively, wiped the spittle off with ZZ Title's current brand of paper towel, marketed under the name, "The Woody"

3 - Process was repeated 5 times

4 - Desiring more test results (and unable to deliver any more spit wads without alcohol consumption) Big Red enlisted the help of ZZ Title's spittle/drool impresario, CHUCKY, to provide 5 more samples

THE RESULTS

1 - TEN (10) sw's (sample wads) required the use of 6,153 paper towels to clean up the goo. This number was used as the benchmark to which all future PTS (paper towel samples) would be compared

2 - The cost of the Paper Towels used in the testing procedures was easy to calculate. The shipping invoice is always inspected by Big Red upon delivery, who, by necessity, has adopted the attitude of the Boss's Wife, to wit" "I ain't payin' for nuttin' I didn't order and they can just come back and git it." Anyway, a quick calculation of the costs per sheet of Paper Towels produced $0.001, which to laymen means, ONE TENTH OF A LOUSY PENNY!

3 - Applying the cost of a sheet of CUPT (Currentyl Used Paper Towels) to the test results unearthed the following startling statistics:

a - # of sheets used for 10 samples 6,153
b - # of sheets used for 1 sample 615.30
c - Total cost cleanup of ALL samples
(Total PT used times cost per sample) $6.153
d - Cost to clean up ONE sample
(Cost to clean ALL samples DIVIDED BY number of samples
-----------------------------61 cents!!!!!!!!!!

TOMORROW: Procurement techniques/testing of PT selected randomly for the
PT population

2006-10-18T07:26:00.000-07:00

BLOG FOURTEEN....BLOG FOURTEEN....BLOG FOURTEEN....BLOG FOURTEEN

ZZTitle Press Personal Ads

Wanted: a decent man. Replies confidential. 5'9" Br/Br. Little Baggage. Actually, TWO little baggages. Job a must. Does not have to make any decisions. Reply to the ADMIRAL at LoveMatch.com

For Sale: slight used husband. Low mileage. Only goes to the beer store and back. good with electronics (especially multiple remotes). Cheap. Will consider trade. Needs to sell by eom or donating to Kiwanis

Pet Sitter Needed: For slightly paunchy, slightly ornery, long haired little feline named "Damn Kitty". Sweet as pie. Never had the same sitter twice

PERSONALS: DWF, little attitude, cheap to keep as likes to only eat two days a week - constantly. No baggage. Just sworn off youthful vice. Need fresh start and a new drink.

Desired: 17, 24, 28, 31 or 38 year old female. Must be "Hot". Desirer is single, suave, debonair and 16. Favorite quote "Age is overrated" Will extend beyond 38 years old but personal interview a must.

NEEDED: Bigger Box. Current Box too small. ALSO: Tools to open current box so Bigger Box can be used.

MAKE ME SMILE! - Needed. Urgent. By sparkly eyed Blond. Good with numbers. No wrinkles yet unless I can't find that special person to MAKE ME SMILE

HAVE NEW POOL, NEED NEW POOLMATE: Monied, attractive and anxious to dip. No kids at home yet still youthful. Current baggage is currently stowed in a Hefty Bag waiting disposal. References, send photo, no T-Backs

Looking for a good time! Look no longer. Seeking long term cohabitation with the right man/woman. Location in St. Pete a must. All other factors negotiable

Join ZZ Title today! Positions open now for the right people. Expanding offices for the 4th time. Long history in area. Good benefits, Salaried/Hourly, No Overtime demanded. Bi-Lingual a PLUS. NO FRIGGIN' KIDS.

DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN: Or a female by any other name. No experience necessary. Only need to be available for viewing. Easy hours, Low Pay. Apply ZZ Title Department - Ask for Eyezapoppin

PERSONAL: MSTBDM (Married, Soon To Be Divorced Male) seeking S/MW for various positions (jobs). Cute, funny, not quite petite, twinkly eyes, BIG F---ING EGO. Will consider Gigolo status. Desperate.

CLEANING SERVICES: Certified Obsessive Compulsive. Doctor's Letter of Recommendation. Most any 3/2 can be done in 1 hour. WARNING: Stay out of my way - might get a broom stick up your head. Need money. Taxes went up. Swedish Maid costume extra

2006-10-18T04:29:00.000-07:00

NOTE....NOTE....NOTE...NOTE

Location of today's post (a continuation of the Two Dollar Whore Story can be found in the archives (dated October 12th)

2006-10-18T04:14:00.000-07:00

SPECIAL EDITION.......SPECIAL EDITION.....SPECIAL EDITION

The RailBird is back in town and made an urgent request to get the following out to the general public.

"Having left all my babes in my wake, so to speak, I am seeking an escort for a fun evening Friday Night on the occasion of good buddy's signicant other's 50th B-Day party. Guaranteed the party will be a hoot. Know a lot of the players involved. Known or Blind, the escort will have a good time. Plans to meet at Bert's for a pop or two. Taxi to the party. Party. Taxi back to Bert's, or escort will be sent home in said taxi depending on alcohol consumption. The only qualifications for the Escort are: Sense of humor, able to chew gum and talk at the same time, ability to converse with friends and strangers alike. Mutual ball-busting a must. If she can't take it AND dish it out, do not bother sending the resume."

In a note attached to this request, the RailBird said all requests to be the escort must be submitted by 5PM Thursday, October 19th. Notification of said selectee will accomplished sometime that evening. Please provide pertinent contact information.

RailBird insists that we remind the readers that this is NOT a joke.

2006-10-17T13:24:00.000-07:00

BLOG THIRTEEN.....BLOG THIRTEEN........BLOG THIRTEEN.........

It is impossible to have a great grandfather. Ditto for Grandfather. Think about it.

Beware of Geeks wearing Lifts.

It is obvious God was not into packaging. Name a fruit that can be shipped into a box without wasting scads of space. Shame on Him

LEIGHISM: Why, when you order a hamburger at a restaurant you are always asked "Do you want CHEESE with that?" Every menu I've ever seen has a selection labeled CHEESEBURGER just below the hamburger entry. It's like going to an Italian Eatery, ordering Penne pasta with Marinara Sause & the waiter asks, "Do you want meatballs with that?"

PURE VIDEO PLAGARISM:

The Truth is in the Telling

Corollary: The Lie is in the Yelling

If you cuss in front of minor children, shame on you

FACT: Good parenting is rarely achieved on the first try. Best argument for having 2 or more kids that I know.

If you find yourself looking at your Belly Button too much, consider the following:

1. The drugs must have been really good

2. You enjoy thinking about Lint and its' possibilities

3. Knowing that most every other orifice has a purpose, you question the same of the Belly Button. Some Theories: Jewelry Rack, Watermelon Seed Holder, Coin Holder for Tolls

4. We are inside out balloons

A little word play: Air Conditioner
Hair Conditioner
Chair Reconditioner
Mon Chair (Cher) Reconditioneuer

(Sorry, made that last one up)

How many MATCHED PAIRS can you make: Match one from the left column with as many or as few as needed from the right column (there is one correct answer)

B.S. "er Bennifer
Nice Buns Joyonette
Cute The Boss
Close Lipped MJ
Idea Machine Mabel
Pleasingly Plump TD
Hair Challenged Merk
Dirty old man Loly
Gheeky The Bookkeeper
Nice Eyes Chucky

CORRECT ANSWER AT THE END

I'm not particularly fond of Heavy Metal or Grunge but I LOVE the names. Back in my drug dazed days, we had ridiculous names: Beatles, Byrds, Yard Birds, Crickets, Animals, 3 Dog Night, Cat Steves, etc. It was like a friggin' PETA convention when they got together.

My favorite non-pet group is the Denton Cooley inspired "Gerry and the PaceMakers" They were obviously thinking ahead to playing AARP gigs in their sunset years.

Merck Pharmaceuticals announced today a new, non-invasive, low cost Diabetes Test. Inspired by the old saying, "When life serves you lemons, Make Lemonade".
Anybody walking around with a constant pucker has got the "shuggah"

Here's something I've never understood. We got folks who live in flood prone, single wides, who have less teeth than an Afro Comb, whose hair stylings range from "Joe Dirt" to Conway Twitty, who can't spell cat if you spot them a "K", who, by the looks of their front yards are saving up for their true calling as used appliance dealers, who can answer most any question with either "yup" of "nope", who think tube tops are sexy, whose vehicles are less dependable than a Two Dollar Hooker, and yet, and YET, they find a way to look down at other people.

Finally, on a more SIRIUS note, if you think Howard Stern is funny, please register as a sex offender immediately and save the cops the trouble of tracking your sorry ass down.

Answer to MATCHED PAIRS: If you took MERK and wheeled him against the left column, consider yourself lucky.

2006-10-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

BLOG TWELVE.......BLOG TWELVE........BLOG TWELVE.......BLOG TWELVE

BOOBAGE - Final Words

ERRATUM: You may have noticed one poll result missing from yesterday's analysis, the Ex-Cleaning Guy. His results were pitched in the can as they were skewed in favor of those Boobagers who worked past 5 o'clock. Though inadmissable for polling purposes, the results of his selections brought to the fore previously untapped theories concerning Boobage.

Every real competitive Boobager knows that working past 5 o'clock means you need to Get A Life. In previous Boobage studies, especially the Hefner Report of 1962, an inverse correlation between Boobage and work hours was observed. This concept is easy to understand as High Boobage Factor (HBF) was shown to relate to more frequent, yet still unsatisfying, dating. For a Boobager with HBF, the odds of non-traditional date night rendezvous' increased in direct proportion to the HBF (the higher the HBF the more dates). With the more frequent dating, the odds of hangovers, "left my make-up at his house, etc. leads to a DECREASE in work hours, hence, the inverse relationship.

Now, in an OSHA study authorized by Jimmy Carter, it was shown that Late Working Boobagers (LWB) have a high probability of Low Boobage Factor (LBF), have higher incomes, live in nicer homes and drive nicer cars.

So, we ask the Boobagers in the Work Place: Is it really worth it to even give a moments thought to your Boobage Factor (BF). This group of reporters agreed that the best motto for the Work Place Boobager is: Button Up & Stay Late!

NOTES: Thanks to all for their understanding, grace and boobage. With the Boobagers, this report could not have been compiled.

This Report was sponsored by "The National Employer's Council of Political Correctness". Additional funding was provided by the "Nuns For Jesus"

Thanks are also extended to the following companies for their generous support:

1. Wonderbra
2. Nip & Tuck Cosmetic Surgery
3. The Rubbermaid Company
4. Merck Pharmaceuticals
5. Silicon Valley Installation Services, Inc.

This series was terminated earlier then anticipated by the receipt of calls from numerous attorneys purporting to represent ZZ Title Employees. A direct threat was made to the source of one reporter's income. A Gag order has been issued by THE BOSS. In light of the order, the report was killed. The reporter under Gag Order, needing at least $6 a day to subsist (2 beers @ Bert's AND 1 item from the Dollar Menu at Wendy's, for forced to fold his pad and obey. It took a blackmail threat against THE BOSS to get permission to run today's column.

2006-10-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

BLOG ELEVEN......BLOG ELEVEN......BLOG ELEVEN.........BLOG ELEVEN........

BOOBAGE - PART DEUX

As you have seen, this Special Report deals in the facts. No urban legends, no rumors, just facts. To get the facts and figures of Boobage we turned to the Reporters who know the field best, most having had a lifetime of experience, you might say, from birth. Those Reporters would be men. Since the Company is the area of study, we can only turn to the Males of ZZ Title (who will be performing in revue next month) for their opinions. The following gentlemen were requested to participate: Chucky, who says his wife encouraged his participation, the Office's ex-cleaning guy, the BOSS, and yours truly, RailBird Merk.

The BOSS returned his request with the message to polling headquarters that he was "keeping his opinions to himself" The rest of the individuals complied with the request. Rail Bird Merk decided to appoint himself proxy for The BOSS. The votes have been received and the results are found below.

NOTE TO LADIES: Trust me - all those polled expressed the opinion that the polling process was the hardest job they had ever undertaken. They all expressed their gratitude for having the opportuniy to express their opinions for an issue which they feel so strongly about.

RULES: Each party was asked to submit the top five rankings for Boobage.

CHUCKY:

1. All the women in the Office
2. Blank
3. Blank
4. Blank
5. Blank

Analysis: Obviously, Chucky did not read the rules of the poll. He could be suffering from the lingering effects of his trip to the ER over the Beach Weekend. He obviously appreciates all he sees, though. A true connoisseur. A Boobage Libertarian, if you will. Chucky, in a side note to the polling office, stated "I can't afford to rank women for ANY characteristic as it reduces my chances of a date.

THE BOSS: Via Proxy

1. Luella
2. Big Red
3. Latin Lady
4. Munchkin Momma
5. MJ

Analysis: Distinct pattern. Obvious choice for #1. If you have ever seen the rage in Luella's face when she utter's the famous refrain ".....or I'll slap the Fiar outta you", you would understand this selection. Being the Boss's wife doesn't hurt either. The second interesting feature to The Boss's selections is that there is a direct correlation between the distance of selections 2 thru 5 and the location of The Boss's desk. Obviously, The Boss (via proxy) put more thought into the process than did Chuck, but distance/location connection indicates The Boss needs to get out more as his list does NOT include some obvious choices for the top five.

RAIL BIRD MERK

Note: Raid Bird Merk, a mainstay at Aqueduct in his youth, obviously likes handicapping a field.

1. "JBJ" - Laps the Field. Can go against any office in the County. May be entrant for National Finals. Good Luck JBJ!
2. MJ - Fan's Choice as MVP, this handicapper has her slipping a notch from her previous form. Rumor has it that she has changed stalls and isn't comfortable yet in her new surroundings. With proper handling, could be back in top form within a year and give JBJ a run.
3. Latin Lady - Always a front runner early. May be scratched pending drug testing. Has been suspended on numerous occasions for illegal moves (fluttering fingers near viewing area, much like Scarlet O'Hara OR creating confidential tete a tetes wherein the judges were subjected to a violation of their personal space and were force to look downward as she whispered in their ear)
4. Big Red. - A Real Pro. Been at the game for years. Not at the top of her game recently due to "mature thinking"
5. Munchkin Momma. Surprise Entry. Job location as receptionist provides edge in the competition. Chucky has been seen on numerous occasions visiting her station to inquire if The Boss was in. Motive for visits questionable as all visits were prior to 11AM when everyone knows The Boss doesn't get in until at least Noon.

2006-10-17T07:46:00.000-07:00

BLOG TEN.......BLOG TEN...........BLOG TEN..........BLOG TEN.........BLOG TEN

Boobage in the Workplace: When Is Too Much Tooooooooooooooo Much?

In order to properly frame the subject for discussion, there are certain factors which give rise to the issue:

1. The definition of Boobage: Boobage is not content, shape, form, proportion to the rest of the anatomy, or any other such mundane concern. Boobage is much more serious. It is a cancer effecting the office environment, the office camaraderie and productivity. Boobage, simply put, is measured as the amount of breasticular material in viewable, unfettered form which the naked eye can see from the standard measure boobage distance of 4 feet.

2. To have boobage, there must be at least ONE Female in the Office. The reporters who contributed to this article were in full agreement that an office comprised of men would not be concerned with this issue. The bodily concerns of an all-male office environment would be focused on pecs, abs, lats & glutes. Without question, the higher the Gay population was in a particular office, the more emphasis would be put on the last of the list. But, that is fodder for another day.

PECULIAR POINTS

First of all, there is a curious step pattern to the Curve when the statistics are plotted. if you look at the raw data, you will find that, with one exception, offices with odd numbers of women have higher boobage ratings than offices with the next even numbered cohort. (i.e. 7 women had HIGHER SCORES than 8 women). This appears to be caused by the "mating factor" which is prevalent among the female of the specie, first appearing in pre-pubescence. TWO women in the office become ONE against the beast around them. Four women become TWO, who become ONE against the slobs in the office. This trend continues no matter what the number, as long as it is an EVEN number. The cumulative effect of this pairing phenomena is fully appreciated when you understand the "odd woman out" factor, which coincidentally, also appears in early childhood. Where there are THREE, there becomes TWO against ONE. Where there are FIVE, there are TWO sets of TWO, who merger to become ONE against the unpaired female. On an on this goes. Because of the MATING FACTOR/ODD WOMAN OUT coupling, the odded out woman REALLY increases her Boobage Factor, always above a score of 98. This is an attempt to curry allies among the male specie.

The notable exception to the above rule, which, without the exception, could be adopted as a Boobage Theorem , is that if there is only ONE woman in the office, there was the perfect half score among the offices surveyed. Half the time, the Boobage factor was ZERO ( the minimum), and Half the time, the Boobage Factor was ONE HUNDRED (the maximum). This appears to show two kinds of woman in the One Woman Office:

a - The FFW or the FULL FRONTAL WOMAN. This individual bares the mostest figuring she can make some serious hay with all the men. She is looking at the advantages of lunches, dinners, flowers, candy, etc. from each and every man in the office.

b - The CDF or the CANDY DON'T FLY WOMAN. She shows nothing. Buttoned to the gills. She figures, if somebody wants her Boobage action they better have a serious financial portfolio and don't even bother her with flowers, candy and the like, cuz if you do she'll slap an harassment charge on the sleaze-bag before he can start drooling.

TOMORROW: The POLL, The POLLSTERS, and MORE.......

2006-10-17T07:25:00.000-07:00

BLOG NINE.....BLOG NINE.......BLOG NINE........BLOB NINE.........BLOG NINE

DISCLAIMER/WAIVER

The subject matter contained in our next Special Report contains material which may be offensive to some of our readers. Sensitive issues are taken seriously in the work environs at the company.

The focus of our Special Report is:

BOOBAGE IN THE WORKPLACE: When is too much toooooooooooo much?

You can be assured that this "sensitive" issue has been addressed in a manner which will be fair, in good taste, and will not be critical of those parties who are able to understand the criticism.

Management wishes to quell your fears. This is a serious workplace issue. It must be addressed. Management feels that the issue has been given fair and proper treatment. If you choose to not visit the issue via this Special Report, please refrain from opening the email which follows close behind this Disclaimer/Waiver.

Copies of the Report will be found in plain, brown, wrapping paper next to the paper towel dispensers in each restroom. The Report will be simple to distinguish from the paper towels as the paper we are using to wrap The Report in has been known to absorb water.

Thank you for your time. Speaking of which, time spent reading, discussing, illustrating or demonstrating the many facets of this two pronged issue at your workspace will be credited to your Sensitivity Training Account, which will entitle you to skip the next Sensitivity Training Session, as yet unscheduled. The subject of that issue will be: The Male Fly and Proper Etiquette (OR, why the hell were you looking there in the first place).

2006-10-17T07:09:00.000-07:00

BLOG EIGHT........BLOG EIGHT........BLOG EIGHT........BLOG EIGHT

The source of the eerie noises heard in the wee hours Saturday was finally uncovered. Expensive door to door canvassing turned up TWO eyewitnesses who BOTH said "It was just "Joanie Being Joanie". Apparently, just before losing her battle to the Sandman (see prior column - "passed out on the beach"), she was BAYING AT THE MOON. The eyewitnesses both said they were not shocked by her behavior because, and I quote "It WAS a pretty moon & it WAS just Joanie Being Joanie"

A certain Bottled Red Head's son, whose wife has eyes to die for, is funny as shit.

NEWS FLASH: Merk drank too much on Sunday. Friday AND Saturday are under review by the replay official.

Surprisingly, as word spread about the upcoming special investigative report of "THE LOST WEEKEND", this reporter was increasingly isolated and by Sunday, friends and "scoops" were hard to come by. Ever resourceful, yours truly instructed his Favorite Oldest Daughter AND his Favorite Youngest Daughter to whisper in Jen's ear "TEXAS HOLD'EM" Soon, a raucous gathering in his room was enjoyed by all. The alert reader will note that NONE of the attendees have been written about uncharitably in this report, with the exception of his Favorite Youngest Daughter's boyfriend, who was a little unnerved by the Sawed-Off Shotgun propped against the bedroom door.

THE END

Editor's Note: It has been brought to the attention of this paper that entirely too much time has been wasted this work week "bitchin" about the weekend and this Special Report. The General was especially emphatic. So emphatic that she issued the following decree: After the last person leaves BERT's tonite, the weekend is history. And remember, as my favorite Latin Lady once said, "What happens in St. Pete Beach, Stays in St. Pete Beach"

ECONOMIC REPORT: SPB Chamber of Commerce announced a sudden surge in liquor sales over the weekend. The T-Shirt Shops reported sales were down as a certin "bottle" red head, to be now known as Big Red, lost her Visa Card.

2006-10-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

BLOG SEVEN.........BLOG SEVEN.........BLOG SEVEN.........BLOG SEVEN

Crystal was aglow Saturday nite. Charming in a darling peasant outfit without her usual bare midriff, she made the rounds with her new beau, TRIPOD. She also wore a smile all weekend come to think of it.

The unusually poor quality of drugs was on everyone's lips over the weekend. This reporter's offer of any one of 7 doctor prescribed medications was met with derision. I guess I was out of the loop on that one.

MA was accompanied by her boy toy, JIM. She proudly sported a new oriental tattoo. She confided that the inscription professes undying devotion to her mate - and contains their names, written in Korean. Normally a risky business for a "well-traveled woman", MA reminded all that even if her toy loses his youth, nobody can read the language.

Which brings to mind the perplexing womanly question, "What the hell to do with the name of a scum bucket you never want to see again but you drunkenly had his name tattoed in just the wrong place?" Easy. When having your Significant Other's named tatted on your bod, is should read:

S.O. JOE (meaning: Significant Other Joe)

When Joe takes up the inevitable residence in front of the telly and must be recycled for fresher meat, have the tat amended to read:

S.O.B. JOE Voila!!!!!

An altercation broke out when some jerk opened The Boss's bottle of rot gut whiskey. The perpetrator counseled The Boss in the Art of Calculated Confrontation. He was advised that instead of confronting the perp with a shit eating grin and jestful remark, he should have angrily accosted the perp and demand reparations. In this instance (and the perp told me this is confidence), if The Boss had gotten testy, the accused was prepared to purchase The Boss ANOTHER bottle. Instead, the perp was able to "cute" his way out of the jam with nary a repercussion.

MJ, who had previously sworn off Tequila and was welcomed into adulthood, was heard mumbling something about "never drinking again" late Saturday morning. I quickly put a stop to that nonsense by informing her that statements such as those were the first signs of senility. Thanking me profusely, but, alas, not physically, she quickly reverted to her newly achieved adult status by ordering a shot of Jagermeister & a beer. It was a good sign - she had gotten off the Tequila bandwagon for good. She promised to continue patronizing Merk's Spot at Bert's on Friday nites.

2006-10-16T12:32:00.000-07:00

BLOG SIX...........BLOG SIX...........BLOG SIX............BLOG SIX............BLOG SIX...........

The General, sans her dashing spouse, Tom, was witnessed saying to this reporter: "what the f--- are YOU doing here?

Always bubbly Melanie was spotted entering the pool area with a: Bagel, Carrot Juice, Herbal Tea and a Big Mac with Cheese. She was followed closely by MJ, who, being on a food day, was carrying a Domino's Meatlovers Pie (Giant Size), a Quart of Hagen Daz, and a Diet Coke.

This correspondent was uncharacteristically taken aback upon receiving a lap dance from a previously reserved Closing Assistant. The rumors of a kiss (and a kid) AFTER the lap dance are totally false.

GW & I have forged an alliance. A lifelong goal of the duo will be met. Incorporated (with an IPO due out in December), the company has the patent rights to the following song process. The Company, Titles Only, will create Country Song Titles and market them to aspiring lyricists and musicians. The first offering, a love ballad titled YOU AIN'T SLEEPIN' ON THE BACK PORCH TONITE, will be up for bids on Ebay soon.

Soon to be House Council, Boxmomma, was seen to be trembling most of the weekend. Rumor has it that she had located a 24 hour street craps game.

Our own "Dirty Young Man" Chucky was rushed to the Emergency Room Sat. Nite. Apparently, a full day of profuse salivation over the copious amount of unclothed flesh around the beach environs resulted in a severe case of dehydration. While there, the doctors also put a few stitches in his eyelids as well. Years of having his eyes "pop out his head" when in the presence of a female was putting a strain on his social relationships. Chucky, upon hearing the news, all the ladies in the office wish you a speedy recovery.

Social Director Big Red was burning the candle at both ends. Rumor has it that on Friday she started drinking at home while packing beginning at 9AM and managed to stay up until 1 AM. On Saturday, the festivities started at 11AM with retirement at 10PM. Sunday saw a 1PM start time, and, finally realizing this would lead to a bedtime of about 8PM said "screw it" and went home. That's the spirit, Red. If you can't stay up until the chickens wake up, you might as well never go out.

Our own Detective Bobby Simone, out with a cute little number from NY, renderd some sage words of advice for aspiring felons. "Commit your crimes between 15 and 30 minutes before shift change. The reason is obvious. At that time, the doughnuts are stale, the coffee is cold and the Proud Men in Blue just wanna go the bar.

The cute little number from NY meanwhile, kept spouting the words "What happens at the Don, stays at the Don" Given her smile all weekend, everyone thinks she'll be visiting the Don again real soon.

2006-10-15T06:47:00.000-07:00

BLOG FIVE........BLOG FIVE..........BLOG FIVE............BLOG FIVE

NEW ITEMS:

In the interest of fairness, the ex-employee referenced in yesterday's editorial has been granted the chance to explain the behavior which led to his dismissal. He pleads the defense of temporary insanity due to numerous "copy cat" sexual harassment suits being filed against him. He tenders his abject apology. He said, "Our readers deserve to know that I am suffering true remorse for my actions. The stress of the "copy cat" sexual harassment suits must have pushed me over the edge. I just don't understand what is happening. I admit, I did ONE thing and one thing only. Admittedly, I did the same thing over and over again to numerous women but that is not "copy cat" sexual harassment by any means. It is SERIAL harassment, and my counsel has assured me that this tecnicality will result in my acquital. May peace be with you always and , to the ladies out there I say, "Keep those legs shaved as a precaution: I like 'em hairy!

SIDE NOTES

One reader, who apparently is going to the Bahamas this weekend wants everyone to wish him "good hunting" I REALLY think he meant "good weather". He can't type for shit.

JA (cute little thing, ain't she? With her new looks she is attracting a better class of bikers into Bert's) has informed me that the unveiling of Merk's Spot at Bert's Place should take place very soon. The details of the event are under wraps, and heavy security is in force. Merk wishes to invite all to the unveiling. Free drinks for Merk are expected and welcome. He has a 5 drink minimum. He also has a 7 drink maximum. A word of caution to the ladies. Between drinks 2 aand 4, he is a hoot. After that, hold on to your pantyhose.

A recent comment suggested more attention be placed on the more "natural" side of life. You know, the beauty in God's creation (before man, that is). Well, there HAS been a lot of attention paid to the natural lately. Side bets are being taken on how large a plant MJ is going to get on her desk after this weekend. The Boss has put a ceiling height limit to the continuing drama (smart as a tack that boy!) Bets are being taken on the following:

1. Height
2. Weight
3. Girth
4. Number of Colors
5. Price

You can place your bets in person with Merk. CASH ONLY

This column will resume after the Labor Day Holiday (unless public intoxication/indecency prevents yours truly from a safe return from Islands.

BLOG SIX........BLOG SIX...........BLOG SIX................BLOG SIX.............BLOG SIX............

-----------------------------------------DISCLAIMER-----------------------------------------

The following text contains material which may not be suitable for all. The content has been rated MA.

All tales told herein are true to the best of my knowledge. I would have fictionalized the characters, but I am not that creative.

You may notice a distinct lack of action during certain periods of the weekend's description. The author apologzes. Having to entertain his kids on Sunday, he proceeds to drink too much, eat nothing and is therefore somewhat hazy on details later Sunday Nite.

All stories can be corroborated. If curious about the particulars of a certain story, feel free to ask and I will direct you to another eyewitness to the action

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WEEKEND IN REVIEW

The remainder of this week will be dedicated to the happenings of Labor Day at the Don. It is with great surprise that I can report that no one has lost their jobs, despite the fact that much of the drunkeness, nudity & debauchery among the employees would not have been tolerated at most other companies. We can thank our Founder, The Boss, for his compassion. Or maybe itis due to the fact that the Company's Motto is: PARTY ON, DUDES!

Contrary to popular belief, there was NOT a dirty little old man roaming the premises of the Don.

The Pinellas Park contingent was well represented over the weekend. Easy to spot due to the following behaviors which were repeated, ad infinitum:

1 - Pretending to be Bat Woman

2 - Continual kissing of the dirty old man referenced above

I think she was after a booty call but her baby sitter didn't show.

One JBJ, got up close and personal with the Sand Man Friday nite.

Yours truly was rendered speechless only once over the weekend. Can you name the Stumper? And I bet you wish others had been able to accomplish that as well.

A certain gentleman, with a wife, a condo under construction, and three kids name Tom, Will & Berniece, stayed SOBER Friday nite due to a failure to communicate.

Our Bookkeeper was seen smiling ONCE over the weekend. Our sources are awaiting confirmation of said miracle before nominations for sainthood are taken

Absolutely no joke here: Louise STOLE the BOSS'S lunch on Saturday. Blatant Theft. Totally Rude. Inexcusable Behavior.

Sports Report: In a little witnessed Title Bout, Nigel was knocked out in the 3rd round by Dory of St. Pete Beach. The ex-champ declined the offer of a rematch.

Munchkin Land was represented by a bevy (2) of beauties. Despite repeated questioning by this reporter, the source of their contentment was never discovered

A Bat Mitzvah was celebrated this part weekend. MJ swore off Tequila. Let's all welcome her to the world of thinking, drinking adults

Subway Mike and his spouse were spotted NOT drinking at a certain local pub. In related news, said spouse was seen spiriting a young, nubile, blond into this reporter's room sometime in the early afternoon on Saturday.

Annie's Beau, Bill, responding to the question of whether he favored hard drugs or soft, responded succinctly, "yup"

TO BE CONTINUED...........

2006-10-15T05:21:00.000-07:00

START OF THE BLOG: BLOGS ONE THRU FOUR....BLOGS ONE THRU FOUR...

This started as entertainment for me (of course!) and my fellow workers. I have committed a year. At which time, I will commit myself. This post will contain the beginning of the Blog (the first is missing - still looking for). These were all written and typed on the day of run. Ideas were jotted as reminders of topics, etc. The current Blog is done either day of run or in advance as needed. Just in case the well runs dry.

BLOG ONE................BLOG ONE..................BLOG ONE.................BLOG ONE

Message from the Office of the Commissar: (got a promotion)

Lest anyone think that yesterday's missive was due to some great need to relieve myself of emotional blockage, psychological stress, or any other Oprah/Dr.Phil bullshit, let me set the record straight.

As usual, my reasons were totally selfish. When I came into the office yesterday, I had a great story to tell but I couldn't tell it. NOW I CAN!!!!!!

Monday PM, I had a hankering for a particular dish which developed into a yearning which had to be satisfied (focus back up now ladies). Suffering through the mandatory Bert's session, I arrived at my domicile, poured a small snifter of brandy, strolled out to the pool and planned my repast. As you well know, my cooking prowess is something to behold. Of other prowesses that I have, I will say no more (now anyway). In any event, the first stage of the preparation involved locating the one item which would really bring the meal out into the open so to speak:

A CAN OPENER

Alas, no such item did my fully furnished 2/2 w/pool luxury condo contain. And, despite my training to Be Prepared, my Swiss Army Knife had been left at my previous residence. Crushed, I settled for a meager salad and omelet to get thru the nite.

Upon awakening, the yearning was still there so I set my sights on the procurement of the needed utensil. As usual, suffer through Bert's, bolt to the store, shove 3 elderly ladies aside who were admiring the colander selection, grabbed my salvation, threw the cashier 3 bucks, yelled "Keep the change, babe!" and headed home.

Now I could re-routine. Poured myself a drink. Since I had to save the brandy for a planned Cuban Cigar trade, I opted instead for a Merlot of slightly fruity overtones with a woody, earthen base.

Can Opener in hand, I assembled the ingredients. (much like Rachel Raye who can carry 8 Publix bags of shit and not use the bags)

Tuna - check
Whole Wheat Bread - check
Onion - check
Fresh ground pepper - check
Fresh ground sea salt - check
Cayenne pepper - OUT - not critical, no problem, still happy

NO F------ MAYO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLOG TWO.....................BLOG TWO......................BLOG TWO......................BLOG TWO

Memo from the Second Lieutenant's Cubicle (demoted due to ALLEDGED sexual harassment)

Having informed MJ of the healing power of full disclosure and reminding her that we can all keep a secret, she agree to do so. However, being the meek, withdrawn, creature that she is, she requested that I write on her behalf. Meeting in conference with her on numerous occasions and a variety of venues (......maybe she's the bitch that filed the class action suit), I came to understand the depth of this woman's thoughts and feelings so that I could assume the role of ghost writer with confidence.

As opposed to myself, who won't answer a question, so don't bother asking, who doesn't want your sympathy, pity or condolences, MJ wants to know that she is deeply depressed and sad at the demise of her marriage, though it was for the best. She will gladly accept your thoughts, prayers and offerings (did I mention yesterday that I WOULD accept cash donations as a token of your concern for ME?), of lunches, cocktails, dinners, all in the spirit of sisterhood. She is depressed, in a state of shock, rage at times, but she's still a Sister and needs your help. If any miserable men are reading this, f--- you! (that is a DIRECT quote from her). She continued on a vile rant against men in general, a diatribe so vulgar I can't bring myself to repeat it.

But, as you know, with the finalization of her divorce, she is entitled to her feelings, BECAUSE

She caught the (and this is a direct quote again) despicable piece of vermin drinking Pina Coladas with a 360 pound transexual named Bootsie at the Mons for Men whilst lip synching to Boy George's Karma Chameleon.

BLOG THREE................BLOG THREE..............BLOG THREE...............BLOG THREE..............

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

We have been contacted within the last 24 hours by the Gay Alliance, the Moral Majority, the NRA, Planned Parenthood, Attorneys for the ACLU, the Vatican and the National Council of Churches. Their subject was the last posting in this column space. Having such a diverse group of Special Interest Groups aligned together in common thought was an event never experienced in the history of this organization. Their complaints will go unmentioned. Our reaction will not. The author of yesterday's column has been summarily dismissed with severance, without recommendation for future employment and without care for the future of his 5 children, 3 pets, and a pending divorce. This paper will not tolerate such vile, venomous, vindictive diatribes.

Our search for a replacement is ongoing as you read this. We are considering the column space to be dedicated to an assortment of writers so the opinions will more widely relate to the tastes of our readers. We are exploring such areas as: Politics with a George Will/Ellen McCarthy slant, Style & Fashion from a Christopher Lowell/Chris Farley perspective, Social Issues with a Betty Freidan/Margaret Thatcher twist, and lastly, Sports from a PeeWee Herman/Mike Ditka point of view. As you can see, this will be a tall task. One smart aleck on staff mentioned that we should just interview people from the loony bins who are schizophrenic. We fired his ass too!

You the readers are important to us. We hope to unveil a new columnist(s) next week. God willing and the crick don't rise (that should get the conservative christians back on our side).

THE EDITOR

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I have been asked for the 10,000th time if I am going to the beach at the Don this weekend. The answer, again, is NO. Though there being no reason for me to disclose to you the rationale of the decision in this matter, I will.

First of all, I am not jealous of the alcoholic enhanced carousing which will be taking place, the dancing, frivolity, of possible nudity not witnessed. I am beyond envy over the sunshine, the feeling of sand between my toes, the relaxation of a comfortable chaise by the pool, or the sunsets from the balcony.

The reason for all of the above is that I am certainly petty enough to be envious, and, under normal circumstances, I would be, but, in this case I am not as

MY ASS IS GOING TO THE BAHAMAS for 2 nites at the Lucayan Beach, nestled in the Atlantic. A pool to die for, drinks to sip, ladies to inspire and a casino to conquer.

So, See Ya At The Beach!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-10-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

48 moons after the discovery of the "Weakness" as it came to be known, a man by the name of Sammy Freidan discovered the science which would change the dynamics and tilt them to the advantage of man: Birth Control.

Forget the specifics, early writings do not shed much light on the specifics, but man used Birth Control For Men to readjust the whole socioeconomic structure of the world. The shoe was on the other foot. And the effects were nigh on immediate. Women especially liked new kids, and with the universal adaptation of Birth Control For Men BY men, the women could NOT GET WHAT THEY WANTED FOR A CHANGE.

The roles reversed quickly. Woman now had to cajole, whine, plead, implore....BEG for the man to provide her with children. Remember, the women had no clue what was going on but they just intuitively (the BIRTH of Women's Intuition as well) knew that the new devices being used by men had some connection to the lack of cuddly, hairy little kids so they were determined to prevent its use by whatever means.

The women quickly abandoned their demands for money (though a small minority of unskilled women continued the old ways) and started providing services: Cooking, Cleaning, Grooming - basically anything to make the Male give it up and give her a kid!

And it Worked like a charm. Not only that, the men now had money, which had previously been spent fulfilling the Primordial Urge, which they now used to build fine homes for the women, purchase bigger sticks and more comfortable rocks to sit on. And, realizing the differing cooking skills the women possessed, soon started to demand that only certain women would be allowed to cook, etc. for him. The men became "picky". Evolving quickly into a situation of Monogamy (except in Utah) and the rudimentary elements of marriage were in place. Never to change. Refine, yes... but change? NO.

Safely ensconced in the home of her dreams with a male of whatever sort to provide for her (men were still not considered, and still aren't in most circles, important), all she had to do was the basics: Cook, Clean, Keep herself Trim and Allow a booty call upon occasion. As you can imagine, the results were predictable. An "arrangement" was born. Women, ever more intelligent than men, held the keys to Power. And from thenceforth, it has never been relinquished. And used it women did, especially when the woman wanted the slimy, hairy, smelly scum bucket out of HER house which led to the obvious invention of the Divorce and the establishment of the Third Oldest Profession: The Attorney.

2006-10-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

To recap, we have established so far the births of the Oldest Profession, Capitalism, Make-Up and Warfare. Now, to tackle marriage and the startling truth of how men were responsible for its creation and which I now identify as the Second Oldest Profession.

So, we have men, and their ways previously outlined. But, we have not touched on a significant virtue, or fault if you will, that most men possess. They are CHEAP.

As time goes on, man was spending a lot of time finding ways to come up with the beads and baubles (early dollars, if you will) it took to fill the only void in his otherwise, ignorant, lazy, existence. A process that repeated itself time and time again. There seemed to be no end to the chore of procuring the necessary wealth to satisfy his libido and HE was not getting any wealthier. He noticed, dimly, that the women WERE getting wealthier. They sported the latest furs/skins from the latest evolved specie. Wore intricate patterns of beads, baubles and glitter and had developed styles of their own as they sported their finery (precursor of Christian Dior, DKNY, Tiffany's, etc). Something had to give. If this continued, the brightest of the dimwits figured, they would not be getting any booty at all, as women wouldn't need their sorry asses anymore.

Men then figured out the ONE GREAT WEAKNESS of all women. They like kids. Now, most men at the time could give a fig about kids. Not so, women. It is all they thought about, talked about and planned for. They would drone on and on about them. Carried huge tablets around with them with their stick drawings of the little rats.

Man had finally pinpointed the weakness they needed to attack but not the resources to attack the matter successfully. Seemingly, eons passed, (only 48 moons actually, but the men were VERY nervous about their future), but finally the fix was discovered.

TOMORROW: The Key to Power (or so they thought)

2006-10-12T08:08:00.000-07:00

So, how does marriage fit into this picture. It would seem at first glance that the system was working perfectly. The women were compensated according to their means, the men were accorded the desired privileges according to their means, and a whole economic system was in place which encouraged upward mobility, or the accumulation of more dollars. The man's side of the upward mobility was obvious. Simply put, the more moola he could grab onto, the better his side dishes were, so to speak. This also led to more aggressive tendencies in the male of the species which resulted in the escalation from aggression, to fights, to rumbles, to battles and to wars. This has proven true as it is a widely held belief that the root cause of all wars is MONEY!

The women's mobility, though not previously mentioned, is readily apparent. The problem of upward mobility for women is this: Women range from Not So Hot to Wowzer. Ergo, the price differentials. Obviously, Wowzer can't improve, OR CAN SHE? And, how to improve Not So Hot? MAKE-UP. Starting with the smearing of mud onto those unsightly blemishes it quickly improved to coloring, usually by mixing in the seasonal flowers/berries to achieve a more alluring look. And it WORKED. The men, still occupied mainly in the eating, comfort and stick areas, had not developed a keen enough eye sight to distinquish a Wowzer from a Not So Hot. This is true to this very day as shown by the existence of Beer Goggles.

TOMORROW: Marriage OR How Man Created His Own Nightmare

2006-10-12T05:32:00.000-07:00

Before continuing on the sociological bent, The Railbird reported the following: I was sitting with the guys, somewhere outside of Mobile, and we were toasting the shellacking of those damn Yankees (we were in the South, remember). When in walked this tasty little brunette who sidled up to me and said "Hey, Rails, you never got my name, it's Lola". Eureka! The Girl from the Flat Bed Ford! She said, "Come on outside, slide in my ride and let's take it easy for a while". The guys at the bar said he just strolled out with her as slow and easy as molasses on a hot summer day.

Sorry for the interruption, but back to the Hookers.

The progression is easy to understand if you grasp the significance and the reasons behind the Two, Three, Four, etc. Holler Whore. Why the difference. Obvious. Some women wouldn't jump for just Two Hollers. Some were known to go as high as Nine. Apparently, there existed some cranial differences between the women which necessitated a different number of hollers from the men before the desired match was made, so to speak. The smarter women, as time went on, recognized this disparity. They eventually rejected any number of Hollers. And, as they soon found out, the Hollers were replaced by Dollars (or their earlier equivalence). Hence, the birth of the Oldest Profession as we know it today. The higher the dollars, the better the Hooker. Simple economics: supply and demand, quality vs. quantity. For many generations this persisted and led to the Evolution of the Economic System of Choice for all the Ages: Capitalism. Men, early on, at first were working on their vocals to procure their women. Then, when the results of the vocals produced minimal returns, they adopted a system of payment. (SIDE NOTE: The vocals did produce the barrel chest, which is evidenced today in all decent male tenors, for example, Pavarotti) The payment system, once man understood that the more booty he had, the better booty he could get, evolved into the Capitalistic System OR the He Who Has The Lottest Gets the Hottest.

Tomorrow: The Marriage Link: Fact of Fiction?

2006-10-12T05:16:00.001-07:00

Ever the student of anthropology, this columnist was musing recently over the dawn of Civilization and then it dawned on him. One of the most important sociological discoveries since Margaret Meade did her thing in Samoa. This topic may be sensitive to some, as it deals with the earliest establishment of man/woman relationships. However, I think it needs to be set forth and I will do so in the gentlest of terms.

Everyone is certainly familiar with the term "Two Dollar Whore". I certainly am. The term that is. Well, it is connected to, as we all know, the Oldest Profession known to man. So, I got to thinking, if that was the Oldest Profession and it dealt with man/woman relationships, then it must be that Marriage was the Second Oldest Profession. Hear me out now, this is good stuff.

I envision early man, rooting around in his enivirons, probably looking for his stick, the modern equivalence being the Remote Control. Anyway, sitting on his favorite Rock, stick in hand, he gets the Primordial Urge. So, he yells out "Hey, You" to the closest available woman. So, the entymological beginnings of the current phrase "Two Dollar Whore". At that time, though, it was known as the "Two HOLLER Whore" as in "HEY! YOU!". Now it is difficult to measure the success of this tactic as written historical evidence is a little sketchy, but I KNOW this is what happened. And, if there was a such thing as a Two Holler Whore there would obviously be the evolution into the Three, Four, Five, and so on, Holler Whore. Why the progression. Well. As we all know, women ain't stupid. In the next issue: "Stupid? Women? I Ain't Goin' There"

2006-10-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

MerkDaddySR is still recovering from his visit with LacuquitaBoobsye over the IM. Initially shocked at receiving the missive, thinking the Latin Lady was getting ready to punk him (and he had been punked enough lately), it turned out to be just someone letting him know they were coming to see him. And come to see him she did. It only took 2,695 Paper Towels (remember the "Woody") to wipe the drool off his desk........Wowzer!

Anyway, our resident keeper of the accounts has been positively euphoric lately. Acknowledging a crush on a MUCH younger man, she also has been running around shouting out what I assume to be her favorite number: Ten! Ten! Ten!. Makes you wonder if the books are really in good hands.

One of the "New Crew" has a warped sense of humor (always welcome, mind you). While "enjoying" the nauseous aroma of a pile of burning Goodyear Radials, she was heard to comment: "Just think of it as a hanging.........it will be over soon.

LapDance Lady has been sporting a new, improved attitude lately..............she's starting to give the MerkDaddySR some of his sass back. You go, girl!

2006-10-11T06:02:00.000-07:00

May be paper clip time.

Reminds me, where was railbird when last seen. Hold on while I check. He is a slippery little bastard. Got it.....he was on the horns of dilemna. Well, he decided he had had enough babes for a while so he started hanging out at sport bars for a little testosterone injection. His sensitive side was getting too developed. WHEW! That was a close one, Railbird.

A certain mother, with TWO children working for the company, proudly announced the upcoming 21st birthday party of her daughter (have no idea which daughter, or whether it's her FAVORITE daughter, or even what her name is, but I guess she knows and that is what is important). My only advice. Do NOT get married. GET DRUNK. Do NOT drive. DO NOT get DRUNK in the presence of any male of the species. Trust me. Great advice. Take it. First of all, if you get REALLY, REALLY, DRUNK, you will swear off the mind altering rot for at least ten years, at which time you can make an adult decision about drinking.

Had another comment posted, this one on the cost of my kids' education. Great offense was taken by one of the siblings who proclaimed with vehemence that My Favorite Oldest Daughter's credit card costs didn't count. Damn, they remember everything!

Office has been pretty boring lately, everyone must be saving up their "wild" for the upcoming holidays. Hell, 3 people already have their Christmas shopping done and heard them talking about what to do for Easter. Never hurts to plan ahead, I guess.

2006-10-10T05:01:00.000-07:00

Thought for the day:

We really need to learn to appreciate the meaning of "living in the NOW". Think about it. (That is what you are supposed to do with a "thought for the day"). A NOW is all that we have ever had, all that we have, and all that we ever will have. So, go create a better now for yourself. OR, instead of creating one yourself, BUY ONE, they are going on sale at Wal-Mart next Tuesday.

Chatting with my Favorite Eldest Daughter, who is currently a resident in the frozen tundra of Montana, she told me of her trip to purchase suitable winter wear. Upon informing the salesperson of her stylish desires, and that she was new to the area, she.......................had to wait 15 minutes while the guy stopped laughing and got up off the floor. There is no such thing as stylish winter wear when the temperature is a MINUS 50 degrees.

To top it off, She and her fiancee are considering moving back to NY after the Spring Thaw. She said her beau wanted to live in Brooklyn. So..................................after laughing MYSELF senseless for 15 minutes I suggested she seriously reconsider the nuptials. Might as well live in a Dempsey Dumpster for goodness sakes!

Speaking of daughters, my Second Youngest Favorite Daughter took offense at a misstatement of fact concerning her described reactions in a recent column. She said, and I quote, "Pops, that was all lies. I cussed you up one side and down the other for having the paternal instincts of a microbe". Gotta admit, she is good at turning a phrase!

Rumor has it that the Princess of "The Princess and the Pea" fame has taken up residence in the Cape. This has been gleaned from ads appearing in various papers requesting a "bed", any "bed", no body necessary but must be in vicinity. Has gone thru many beds so far in search of total comfort. She was heard to mutter, "Friggin pea keeps following me around"

BoxMomma was looking exquisite the other morning. Usually churlish until approximately 3PM (which happens to coincide with her end of day), she was seen having a "very slight upturn" of the outer lip area. Now true, she has been ill lately, so further testing and analysis needs to be done. But there is always hope!

2006-10-09T13:01:00.000-07:00

The Railbird was spotted over the weekend in Biloxi. Apparently he had hit up the tables for a few grand. His only dilemna? Spend it on the two babes he rode into town with or move on to greener pastures. Dilemna?! I should be so lucky.

Apparently our charming bookkeeper is great with numbers, but the written word leaves her flummoxed. A brief lesson in the ABC's took care of her situation, put the smile back on her face, and she was good to go.

Box Momma is showing a new side of herself lately. Showing dexterity that would make Bob Villa proud, she is attempting the impossible: Making a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Good Luck, you Boxey Lady you. Apparently she likes her stuff HOT. Maybe she ought to meet up with the Railbird in Biloxi. He's on fire right now.

JBJ was seen dropping acid yesterday morning. I could be wrong. All I know was she was looking at a blank computer screen yesterday and was busting a gut about something. That is either really good acid or she was sucking on the Helium in her balloon.

The "New Crew's" exploits over the weekend were confirmed to be just what this columnist thought. One of them was heard to boast "GW was really tired Sunday morning"

2006-10-08T08:05:00.000-07:00

Formerly the Only Real Stud (or so HE said) in the office, MerkdaddyJR reports prospects of potential nuptials. Having met the Little Woman I must say she is getting the short end of the stick. And I say this despite knowing full well that MerkdaddyJR was fond of the Full Frontal Monty during his Collegiate Daze. Most of this information was gleaned from his various syncophants who nodded silently and wide eyed when questioned about the veracity of MerkdaddyJR's claims. A few ladies were seen swooning as well.

Confronted directly about this shameless conduct and the wisdom of such actions, all i got in response was "Jeez, Dad, ya gotta show your skilz".

That explains it. He is up for promotion to Fry Cook at Mickie D's next week. Way to work on those skilz MDjr!!!

Enough Family ---- however I do NOT apologize for talking at length about my kids. Christ! $400K in college expenses, gray, balding hair, worry lines, nervous tics, twitches....who can blame me.

The Railbird was spotted in a '66 'vette, top down, double babed up, cruising East on I-10. Sounds like a good time to me!

2006-10-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend I dared to test my first months material on my Favorite Youngest Daughter AND my Favorite Second Youngest Daughter.

BIG FRIGGIN' MISTAKE

All I heard was......DAAAAAHAAAAD! How could you?.........DAAAAAHAAAAD! BOOBAGE? Did you hafta talk about BOOBAGE?....I don't wanna hear my Dad talk about BOOBAGE!!!!

SHRINKAGE???!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEKS!!!

You get the idea. Chalk that reaction up to their lack of sex education in their earlier years. Gotta admit, the current bon vivant was once a cloistered innocent. So I used Dr. Seuss to explain how things worked. Wasn't that what Horton Hatches An Egg was all about? Never read it myself so that's what I thought. Guess I was wrong. Ah, screw it, my folks never told me shit anyway and look at me now.

Despite my pleas to pretend some OTHER idiot wrote the drivel, deaf ears prevailed.

They did admit, with my new stylish beard, that I looked like Robin Williams during his drug dazed years......Thanks, girls, I guess.

Got a kick out of my daughter who is attempting to become a hypocrite. I think that's what she is doing. Talked about taking an oath, Democrats, Republicans, & the like so I guess hypocrite explains it best. Anyhow, she mentioned that her next few months are going to be spent dating, and I quote "THE MAN ON THE SLAB IN THE LAB"

Sounds like a GRRREEEAAAT time. Well, whatever turns her on, she's one of my babies.

2006-10-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

Back in my good graces after slipping me a few bucks on the side, Minimomma is rumored to have some action coming up. A previously experienced Big Red had a quite animated conversation with her, the gist of it being "Order the most expensive thing on the menu, have some fun but don't MARRY the old bastard"

The Latin Lady was either cutting onions or had a smote in her eye while in tete a tete with the Merkdaddy. She was seen leaving his office shaking her head, muttering "Madre de Dios!" repeatedly and looking for her beads.

The new crew was seen slipping out of the office early Friday. Outside Mack's Place they swapped their office duds for sequins and spurs. Rumor has it they were gonna rustle them up some cowboys.

Big Red went uptown over the weeked. After slumming with the Merkdaddy on 3 C-note meal, she hightailed it to environs more suitable to her taste. A $200 a plate baby shower, with all the trimmings at The Breakers in Palm Beach. Always dressed for the occasion, Big Red coulda made a extra hundie if she had merely mismatched her colors a little bit. Anyway, I'm sure the Gift Certificate to Home Depot was well received by the Mom to be.

Mj was in fine form at Merk's Spot @ Mack's Place Friday nite with her tales of serial dating. Previously shy and innocent, she has thrown caution to the wind with 8, YES, I SAID 8, consecutive nites out with 8, YES, I SAID 8 (can't you hear!) different guys. She must've paid a visit to Dr. Phil's Traveling Circus. You go girlfriend!

Mark and his Lovely had big plans for the weekend. All I heard Mark say over the roar of his $65,000, 450cc Dual Carb, Glass Packed, Hemi Dodge Pick 'em Up Truck was "couple a six packs and wahoo!

2006-10-07T19:43:00.000-07:00

10/6/06

My lord, Railbird was spotted in the back of a flatbed Ford heading southwest out of Chicago to Winslow, AZ. What does he have on his mind? Got no money, but you gotta admit he's got skilz.

ANONYMOUS

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
Said the following date with tears
But noted what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For the sdash represents all of the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those who knew her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own
The cars, the house, the cash
What matters most? How we live and love
And how we live our dash.

So think about this long and hard
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
For things we need rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less wuick to anger
Show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with repect
More often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Just lasts a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
Your life's actions in rehash
Would you be proud of what they say
'Bout how you spent your dash?